Table of contents for lesbian tv

1. Im a Celebrity Lesbian Get Lindsay Lohan Out Of Here
2. Far Out Tv UK Lesbian Drama Show
3. Glasgow Lesbians BBC3 Drama Lip Service

New Glasgow Lesbians Drama, Lip Service coming to BBC3 woohoo!

Finally a Glasgow L Word or Lesbian Drama TV Show has been commissioned by the BBC so we can see some lesbians in Glasgow living their lesbian lives!

The lesbian drama will be filmed in Glasgow too and no doubt in the Glasgow Lesbian Scene pubs, bars and clubs, yes all 5 or so of them lol.

I was browsing my @GlasgowLesbians messages on Twitter when one of my twitter mates, Lizzie the Lezzie (Fab Girl, to follow her on twitter click this : Lizzy The Lezzy and to watch the Lizzy The Lezzy Cartoons on You Tube click here) sent me a message about a new lesbian drama based in Glasgow.

I can honestly say I got very excited, how sad is my life lol, that I had to search the mighty Google and find out more!

Ok, so we know it’s a lesbian drama and it will be based in sunny Glasgow.

It will be filled with a group of aged 20 something lesbians.

There will be 6 x 1 hour lesbian drama filled episodes, yummy right!

It will tell the tale of the lesbians, their sex lives and their love affairs and it will of course centre around the Glasgow Gay Scene amongst other places.

The new Glasgow Lesbian Drama will be titled, drum roll please…

Lip Service

Unfortunately I don’t have any photos of the hot sexy twentysomething year old lesbians who will star in our new tv show, because the show has not been cast yet.

So any budding glasgow lesbian actresses should be hot footing it to the auditions, of which I have no information sorry!

I can imagine auditions for finding lesbians in Glasgow would be more popular than the Glasgow Big Brother Auditions and even the Glasgow X Factor Auditions, all the little lesbians in Glasgow want to be famous and crave attention at the best of times.

Anyway the Glasgow lesbian drama Lip Service has been written Harriet Braun, who also worked on the first series of Mistresses (and we all liked the lesbians in that right?) and she also co-created Attachments (never heard of that one lol).

Lip Service will be produced by Kudos Film and Television in Glasgow later this year, as soon as there is further information on Lip Service I will let all you desperate lesbians know.

Harriet Braun stated that she based this lesbian drama on her own experiences and those of her lesbian friends.

She wanted to write a sexy, funny and irreverent drama that reflects what it is to be a young lesbian woman living in Britain today.

Harriet also said “I loved The L Word but it’s high time we saw some contemporary British lesbians, with all the bad weather, trips to the pub and repressed emotions that go with that.  It will be as funny as it is pathos filled, because in my experience that’s how life is.”

Sound likes a fab lesbian drama in the making, I just hope they cast some hot lesbians and don’t give us hot looking Glasgow Lesbians a bad name!

I look forward to watching Lip Service and if they need any lesbians for extras me and my glasgow lesbian subscribers will be happy to oblige!

Hopefully Lip Service will be a big success in Glasgow, the UK and worldwide then it might just bring some hot lesbian visitors to the Glasgow Lesbian Gay Scene!

Stay Gay, Sally x

Table of contents for funny lesbian stories

1. Lesbian Women PMT, PMS and Period Symptoms
2. Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting
3. Lesbians - Buy a Dildo - Minus the Brass Neck!
4. Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand
5. Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites
6. Lesbian Women Faking Having Orgasms

So hands up (not literally) all those lesbians out there who fake having orgasms? Lesbians fake orgasms FACT!!!

Seriously, if you think women only know how to fake an orgasm with a man, your seriously deluded my lesbian friend.

Lesbians know to how to fake an orgasms with other lesbians too!

Did you honestly think that you are so great in bed that no women has every faked an orgasm in bed with you?

Maybe you have even faked an orgasm yourself with another woman?

It’s not something that people, not just lesbians, are ready to admit to.

In fact I recently sent a text message to a few of my mates and all it said was…

“Hey you ever faked an orgasm with a woman”.

Eight out of ten Glasgow Lesbians fake an orgasm FACT!!! (I actually suspect it was ten out of ten!)

My friends are used to random texts like that from me, because they know about my blog. Everyone replied except one girl, but she later told me her answer in the pub.

Out of ten of my friends, eight have faked an orgasm with a woman, one wouldn’t tell me and the other one couldn’t remember, yeah right! I suspect that the one who wouldn’t answer has faked it, and the one that couldn’t remember, is also a faker.

So I would say that the majority of lesbians, have in fact, faked an orgasm.

Masturbation when your a lesbian is also something many girls wont admit to either and I will discuss that in a future Glasgow Lesbians blog post.

But regarding faking orgasms lesbians won’t admit it at all normally, well actually, that’s not true, once a relationship ends a lesbian will be happy to tell you that she faked it with her then girlfriend.

I have faked an orgasm with a lesbian before, in fact quite a few of them, not that they know I did it of course, I am great at faking an orgasm.

Remember I spent a big part of my life with a guy, so I got pretty good at faking them.

Now I always thought that faking orgasms with women, would be really hard, but it’s not, they are just as easy to convince as men!

I often wonder if faking an orgasm is a good thing or a bad thing?

Is faking an orgasm as bad as telling a lie?

Or, is faking an orgasm an act of kindness towards your girlfriend so she doesn’t feel like she can’t satisfy you properly in bed.

I must admit I didn’t feel so good after faking an orgasm, it did feel a little bit like a lie.

I also asked my friends if faking an orgasm was wrong, and most said no, one woman said instead of faking an orgasm just say you don’t want to have sex!

The majority of women, not just lesbians, fake orgasms for 2 reasons, number 1 because the person they are having sex with is not good at it, and number 2 because they are simply not in the mood for having orgasm, so fake it.

Of course I am not saying you should fake an orgasm with your girlfriend every single time you have sex, because that’s not right.

If you are having to fake an orgasm every time then there is something not quite right in the bedroom and you should be speaking to your lesbian partner about it, not hiding it under your fake orgasms.

But I honestly think a few fake orgasms sprinkled in with lots of real orgasms is ok.

It’s a white lie, a cruel to be kind type of lie.

So why would you even need to fake an orgasm???

I am not sure why I done it, I have done it with quite a few girls I have been with.

Was it an act of kindness on my part, to hide their lack of performance under the sheets?

I don’t really think so, I think sometimes I just couldn’t be arsed so I faked it.

I remember having sex in the back of a van in the Matalan Car Park in Bolton, god how romantic eh!

The girl I was seeing had a big white ford van and she decided that it would be fun to do it in the back of the van, so she parked the van up and we did the deed.

But I was so scared of getting caught by someone that I faked an orgasm just to hurry things up! So there is another reason you might want to fake an orgasm!

3 Orgasms Only Please!

After I have about 3 orgasms I can’t really do much more unless I have a good long rest.

I can “do” the girl, I just can’t take any more orgasms myself.

But lots of lesbians use “tit for tat” when having sex, so if they have an orgasm you have to have one.

Which is kinda stupid, because we all have a varied sex drive, and some of us can take “more” than others right?

It’s about finding a happy medium with your lesbian partner.

You see the lesbians I faked orgasms with, put a lot of emphasis on me having an orgasm in order for the sex to be classed as good.

So…

Orgasm = good sex

No Orgasm = bad sex

That’s just plain dumb isn’t it!

I don’t really agree with no orgasm equalling bad sex, you can have amazing sex and not have an orgasm at all or need to fake an orgasm either.

The orgasm is not the be all and end all of having sex.

I think that’s what a lot of lesbians don’t grasp.

They think that if you don’t have an orgasm you have not enjoyed having sex.

Now you may or may not know that some lesbians like to give and some like to receive, and some like to do both.

The lesbian givers will give you orgasms all night long and you need never give them one back, and they love that, they don’t want an orgasm back, they get so much pleasure from giving you an orgasm!

Then there are the lesbian receivers, or pillow princesses as they are also known as, they will lie there and let you give them orgasms all night long.

Which type of lesbian lover are you?

Do you love to give?

Do you love to receive?

Do you like both!

There is no right or wrong, and everyone is different.

I always thought of myself as a giver, until I met a giver and I became a receiver.

Oh my god are you confused yet cos I am!!!

However, I did get sick of taking all the orgasms and wanted to give a few back!

I think perhaps that’s why a lot of lesbian relationships don’t work out, givers cant be with givers, receivers cant be with receivers etc etc.

Perhaps it’s like ying and yang, you have to find your opposite half, so a giver and a receiver would be a match or two lesbians who like both would be a match too.

I just know from personal experience that being with someone who is very similar to your when it comes to having sex does not work.

You cannot make a giver want to receive and vice versa.

Now before you all start shouting about labeling people, I am not, I am just stating facts from my own experiences.

I guess the girls I faked orgasms with was simply because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and I had an easier life if I just faked an orgasm every so often. Faking was better than than going through the dreaded 20 questions of why I didn’t have an orgasm conversation with her AGAIN.

You know what…

Sometimes you can just be too tired too have an orgasm, it’s normal you know!

Sometimes you can be too drunk to have an orgasm, that’s normal too!

So maybe if you don’t focus simply on having orgasms during sex your girlfriend won’t need to fake any orgasms with you.

But for those of you lesbians out there, who simply must pressure your girlfriend to have an orgasm, I have written 5 fun top tips below so she can fake you!

These how to fake orgasms tips are just for fun, if you get caught faking an orgasm do not send your angry lesbian girlfriend round to my house for teaching you!

1. Have a REAL orgasm first.

It stands to reason doesn’t it, I mean you can’t fake an orgasm if you don’t know what one feels like!

If you don’t know what an orgasm feels like, try it yourself, yep a bit of hand diy, or buy a rampant rabbit from a sex top shop.

Once you know how you react ie. moaning, screaming etc etc, you can replicate it for your fake orgasm.

You will also need to know how your body reacts to a real orgasm ie. shaking, juddering, pulsing etc.

Everyone comes or orgasms differently so it’s important to know your style!

2. Fake orgasm breathing

At first you want to make short panting type breaths, not all the same length though, vary your short breaths by making some quicker, some a bit longer etc.

As you near the end of your fake orgasm hold your breath, this will make you breathless after your fake orgasm, so it looks like you have just had a wonderful breath taking orgasm!

Holding your breath will also make your face red / flushed looking, a great post-fake-orgasm state!

3. Fake Orgasm Noises

Ok this is pretty simple, just make moaning noises, raising the pitch higher and higher until your near the climax of your fake orgasm.

Don’t make your moans too loud, that’s a dead giveaway for a faker!

So we don’t want any of the noises from the fake orgasm scene in the movie “When Harry Met Sally”.

Make your moans believable, and not too loud either!

Don’t talk too much, it’s ok to say to stuff like:

“Oh my god”

“I love that”

“Do it deeper”

“Do it faster”

“Do it harder”

“Do this to me”

“Do that to me”

“I am close to coming”

“I am going to come”

“Yes, Yes, Yes, Yessssssssssssss”

“I’m cominggggggggggggggggg”

etc etc

But don’t say big long sentences, remember your mind is supposed to focused on having an orgasm, so your mind should be so pre-occupied that stringing sentences together would be too difficult.

4. Fake Orgasm Movements

Ok, so there are a few things you can do to increase the chance of your fake orgasm being more believable.

Arch your back, apparently lots of women, not just lesbians arch their back right before they orgasm.

Make your legs shake, again many women shake a little just before an orgasm.

Curl your toes or tense your legs, again this is a common trait to having an orgasm.

Dig your nails into your lover, many women love to dig their nails in your back, shoulders etc as they orgasm, they will also pull you very close and almost take your breath away.

Grabbing anything you can, grab their shoulders, their neck, their ass, their legs, grab anything really hard to let them know your really “into” them and what they are doing.

Hair pulling is also a good technique, but don’t pull her hair too hard!

Of course if you already done step 1, you should know exactly how you react to an orgasm so it should be pretty easy to fake one.

5. After Your Fake Orgasm

Ok, after you have had your fake orgasm you cannot do anything at all!

You have to pretend that you just ran a marathon, even the act of lifting your hand should be too much for you to do.

Literally your fucked!

So just hug into your lover and go to sleep, JOB DONE!

Before you start snoring though, remember to feed your lesbian lover’s ego, by saying thank you and by telling them that was the best sex you ever had etc etc, then close your eyes and catch some zzzzzzz’s.

Remember though, I did say that faking an orgasm every time is not good, fake orgasms should be used rarely.

Having sex with another women should ultimately be an enjoyable experience, if you are just faking it all the time then what’s the point.

If you suspect your girlfriend is faking an orgasm with you, ask her.

Don’t shine a light in her face and ask her twenty questions, ask her nicely!

Maybe she is faking and is just scared of having a real orgasm.

Many women are frightened of having an orgasm, they are scared of losing control, they are unsure of how they will react when they have an orgasm and don’t want to embaress themselves.

Don’t put pressure on your girlfriend to have an orgasm.

It’s ok, if she doesn’t have one!!!

The more pressure you put on her to have an orgasm, the harder it will be for her orgasm.

Screaming at her…

“Your not gonna come are you”

“Why are you taking so long to come”

“You don’t really want to have sex do you”

Will not make her orgasm.

Take your time with her, it’s not a race!

Remember, it’s ok if your girlfriend doesn’t orgasm every time you have sex, just enjoy being close to her, your the only person allowed to get that close to her, so enjoy it and relish every second of it.

Before I go, someone recently sent me an email and said they love my useless not useful facts that I have started mentioning in my blogs posts.

Facts About Orgasms…

So here is a useless bit of information that you should know.

On average it takes 20 minutes of stimulation of a woman’s clitoris before she orgasms.

Women can have a orgasm without stimulation of their clitoris, some women can achieve orgasms from stroking of their eyebrow and one women even achieves an orgasm every time she brushed her teeth!

You would think that woman would brush her teeth more than normal, but believing she was possessed by an evil spirit that made her orgasm when she brushed her teeth, she switched to using mouth wash!

A woman’s orgasm, on average, lasts around 10 seconds whilst a female pig’s orgasm lasts for around 30 minutes!

The longest woman’s orgasm recorded was 43 seconds and had 25 consecutive contractions.

The most orgasms every had by a woman was 134 in one hour (it was me she slept with ha ha)

Women suffering from Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS) will have up to 300 orgasms per day, they basically have orgasms all day long for no particular reason!

And finally, an orgasm is a great painkiller helping to relieve menstrual cramps and headaches!

Basically, orgasms are just wonderful, so instead of faking orgasms, try having them!

Stay Gay, Sally x

Table of contents for Lesbian You Tube

1. Lesbians on YouTube Seeking Simone

Lesbians on Youtube are increasing daily and I love it!

There are so many short lesbian youtube movies and films now I am fast becoming addicted to youtube lesbians!

There is of course the usual crap lesbians you tube channels that are obviously porn stars pretending to be lesbians, but there are some real lesbians on youtube trust me.

I have actually met some really nice lesbians through commenting on youtube videos and subscribing to lesbian related film channels.

However, I had to do a special blog post about my favourite youtube lesbian of the moment, Seeking Simone.

The lovely Simone is played By Renee Olbert who is yummy!

I can’t remember how I found Simone on youtube, probably from Twitter as that’s where I find out most of my lesbian news and meet new lesbian friends.

Anyway the reason I love watching Seeking Simone is not because Simone is so hot, and my god she really is hot!

It’s because she has gorgeous eyes ha ha, no it’s not that reason either.

It’s because we share a love for all things “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, nope that’s not the reason either…

It’s because Seeking Simone is one of youtubes best lesbian online mini series.

I laugh, and laugh and laugh when I watch it.

It is like Simone has experienced everything I have as a lesbian, even though I am in Glasgow, UK and she is in USA.

Basically Simone is attempting to find a hot single lesbian by using online lesbians dating techniques, but with varied results.

Yes, she has moved over to the dark side and has begun the terrifying journey of shopping online for a lesbian girlfriend!

If you have ever tried online lesbian dating you will totally relate to what Simone goes through.

I obviously don’t want to spoil any of the lesbian drama for you so you will need to get your lesbian ass over to you tube, subscribe for free to Seeking Simone then watch it.

Subscribe To Seeking Simone Today…

Now I have posted the trailer, episodes 1.1, 1.2 and 1.3 below, but I suggest you head over to Seeking Simone’s Lesbian YouTube Channel and subscribe using the subscribe button.

I will not be updating this blog post, so you won’t be able to see any more Seeking Simone episodes on this site.

So go to youtube then you won’t miss another episode and you can watch Simone make an arse of herself on lesbian dates!

I will just say I personally love the episode where Simone won’t shut up about her lesbian ex girlfriend, hilarious!

I have dated many lesbians who are hung up on their lesbian ex and it get’s on my nerves!

If you still love your lesbian ex, sort it out and stop dating other lesbians until your over her plzzzzzzz!

I would lastly like to say that the little noise that Simone hears when she gets an email from a prospective new lesbian date excites me in a strange way lol!

Ok here are the 4 videos, they are short so it won’t take you too long to watch them, and I promise they will make your giggle.

I will also put a link at the end of the blog to Seeking Simone’s You Tube Channel so you can subscribe.

YouTube Lesbians - Seeking Simone Trailer - Online Dating Has Never Been So GAY!

YouTube Lesbians - Seeking Simone Episode 1.1 - Single Lesbian Psychos

YouTube Lesbians - Seeking Simone Episode 1.2 - Please Stop

YouTube Lesbians - Seeking Simone Episode 1.3 - Hammer Toes

Now you have seen how funny Simone is, head over to her YouTube Channel by clicking here and you can see all her lesbian series as she releases new episodes.

Remember and tell Simone that you found her through my blog, and that I am single if she want’s a bit of Scottish!!!

Stay Gay, Sally x

Table of contents for lesbians kissing

1. Watch Lesbians French Kissing In Public

Should lesbians be french kissing in public?

Ok, so I am walking / staggering down the street after another night out at the lovely Polo Lounge, gay / lesbian nightclub in Glasgow, UK.

And low and behold what do I see…

Two lesbians (not hot ones either) french kissing passionately outside the Polo Lounge, in the middle of the road too I might add.

Now I don’t mind lesbians french kissing, in fact I quite like watching lesbians (hot ones) french kissing, but maybe not in the middle of the street in Glasgow on a Saturday night!

I have often discussed pda’s (public displays of affection) which I don’t really do if I am honest, it’s not because I am worried I will get funny looks or get called anti-lesbian names, I just don’t like showing too much affection in public.

Before I came out I didn’t kiss any boyfriends in public either, nor hold their hand, so it’s nothing to do with my current partners being female or lesbian.

French Kissing In The Back Of A Taxi Cab Anyone?

I remember one time when I was seeing a girl Kirsty and we were in the taxi from East Kilbride heading into Dels (Delmonicas) in Glasgow.  We had decided not to get too pissed or tanked up before we went out, so we were both stone cold sober.

Now, we were sitting in the taxi, gabbing and having a laugh when she asked me to kiss her.

So of course I gave her a lil peck on the cheek and that was that right?

Wrong!

No she wanted a full big massive french kiss right in the back of the cab.

So I said no.

I don’t do that sort of thing, and I wasn’t comfortable french kissing her when the taxi driver was obviously watching in the mirror.

Kirsty didn’t take the news very well that I wouldn’t kiss her, in fact, she fell out with me.

Yes, I know it’s hard to believe a lesbian could be so childish, immature and petty over such a trivial thing but she did.

In fact, she didn’t talk to me the whole of the journey into Glasgow, which takes at least 20 minutes from East Kilbride.

What a joy joy joy night out that turned out to be!

Now I have thought about this over and over again, and I still don’t think I was in the wrong (do I ever think I am the wrong, NOPE!)

Surely if I don’t want to passionately snog in the back of a taxi then I shouldn’t have too should I?

I often think that sometimes lesbians try to test you out, and see how far they can push you, see how much you are willing to bend (literally) to make them happy.

Well I am kinda not for any bending out of the bedroom, so they really shouldn’t try and push me to do anything because I will do the opposite, it really is my way or the high way.

Anyway why would you want to “force” or “gently persuade” your partner into doing something they obviously don’t want to do, it’s not right, don’t force someone to do anything, period!

I am all for french kissing, chin kissing, butterfly kissing, wet kissing, suck kissing, basically any kissing in the privacy of my own home.

This is not to say I don’t “sneak” a kiss in public, I remember when I was dating Emma, my favourite game was kissing in the lift or elevator.

You see Emma was always paranoid we would get caught kissing, but she loved the risk, so whenever we were in a lift we would have a little snog.

It’s fun, try it!!!

Of course no one else was in the lift at the same time, and we checked there was not a security camera inside it.

Also a good idea not to do it in a glass elevator too!

Anyway we would kiss, and of course before the elevator doors opened we would stop.

But I would leave it to the very very very last second to stop kissing, almost giving Emma heart failure, it was very funny, well we thought it was anyway so that’s the main thing.

Having sneaky secret kisses can be so much more fun than just snogging right in front of people, when you add an element of risk, the enjoyment factor increases.

Kissing is actually really good for you too, a nice long snog can improve your skin, help circulation, prevent tooth decay and even relieve headaches too!

Plus it’s also good to know that you burn about 26 calories when you passionately kiss for a minute, so go find a hot lesbian and kiss your way thin ladies!

Now you can scoff as much chocolate as you like, so long as you remember to kiss off those calories!

NOTE: Kissing your own hand passionately for 1 minute does not use this amount of calories, I tried!

I wonder how many calories the couple burned off who hold the record for the longest kiss which took place in New York City on 5th December 2001, they kissed for a massive 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds.

Ouch, their lips must have hurt real bad after that, but well done to them.

The record for underwater kissing is set at 2 minutes 18 seconds, so grab your favourite lesbian and go for a swim, see if you can kiss underwater for longer.

I am a very poor swimmer, when we were learning swimming at school I was too busy kissing Nicky Lyon under the water rather than learning to swim.

It is also useless (yes useless not useful) to know that the average person spends 336 hours of their life kissing.

A hot person spends around 672 hours of their life kissing.

An ugly person spends around 0 hours of their life kissing.

I obviously made the last two up!!!

If you think about it there are millions of ways to kiss too, not just if you are a lesbian!

How Many Ways Can You Kiss A Lesbian???

There are so many variations of kissing it’s no wonder people just love to kiss.

I am not sure if you agree with me on this but do you remember how you kissed when you were younger, say between 11-15 years old?

Well I kissed very differently, I am not sure why but I did.

It was like a race, after the count to five, usually interrupted by fits of giggles, you started kissing at ninety miles per hour.

Me and Emma used to play another game called 14 yr old kissing, no we didn’t kiss 14 year old lesbians, we kissed each other like we used to kiss when we were 14.

It’s actually disgusting but funny as fcuk, ok so I admit we played really dumb games but it stopped things becoming boring, kinda.

My pet hate is lots of saliva when kissing, ewwwwwwwwwww total turn off.

There really is no excuse not to be able to kiss, it’s pretty simple to do!

But it seems there are many different types of kissing…

Wet Kissing

Wet kissing as I mentioned before is not nice, I feel physically sick when my mouth is covered in some girl’s saliva, no matter how much I like this girl, I have never kissed a jelly fish, but I imagine that’s what it would be like.  I will not date her any longer if she kisses like that!

Invisible Kissing

Invisible kissing is another bad way of kissing, have you ever kissed a girl and it’s like your kissing nothing? You can feel their lips on yours, but it’s so light you think, am I really kissing her??? Put a bit of force into your kiss please ladies!

Side Swapper Kissing

I don’t really mind this and it does have it’s advantages.  Side swapper kissing is when you basically swap sides, so let’s say when you begin kissing you tilt your head to the right, as you continue to kiss you gradually work you way around until your head is tilting left, then repeat.

This is particularly good if your girlfriend keeps making you kiss on the wrong side, let’s face it we all have a preference to which side we tilt to when we kiss, so when you both like the same side it’s a pain in the arse and a power struggle ensues!

Just let her have the side she likes then side swap her!

Eye Opener Kissing

The eye opener, ok I don’t like this one, it’s basically when you keep your eyes open when you kiss, it’s quite un-nerving when you don’t expect it!  Now you have read this, the next time you kiss I bet you open your eyes for a little peek!

Butterfly Kissing

The butterfly kisser basically kisses you like a butterfly flaps it’s wings, lots of little light fluttery kisses, very sweet and romantic, I like them!

There is of course a more xxx meaning for butterfly kissing, which is a firm favourite amongst lesbians,  if you don’t know what it is, google it or ask your best lesbian mate!

The Suffocator

The suffocator will literally take your breath away, ramming their tongue down your throat everytime you kiss, not a good idea and will often be met with a gagging effect, you have been warned!

The Grunter

A very embarrassing type of kisser, grunts or moans very loudly when you kiss.

Good idea to stick a sock in her mouth to shut her up a bit or you may get complaints from your neighbours!

The Teeth Kisser

The teeth kisser, will have you running towards your dentist after ever kiss, due to the perpetual banging of both your teeth during your kissing sessions, I often find teeth clashing very embarrassing.

The Hair Messer

The hair messer, these kissers get on my nerves, you will literally look like you have been dragged through a bush backwards, the hair messer’s hand will ruffle your perfectly groomed hair leaving you looking like a mad scientist!

Suck Kissing

This is very seductive kissing, you basically suck on your girlfriend’s top or bottom lip with your own, just for a second or two, then suck the other lip., nice kiss, try it out.

Nip Kissing

Be careful doing this, we don’t want any lesbians being hurt!

While suck kissing you gently bite her lip.

This kiss is a little more intimate and not good for your first time lesbian kiss!

Hoover Kissing

This is a nice playful kiss, simply suck in deeply when you kiss so you are sucking the air from your girlfriend’s mouth, dont suffocate her though.

Long Distance Kissing

No this is not kissing and running!

Just see how long you can kiss for, think it’s easy, try kissing for 10 minutes solid then!

Tongue Sucker

Just suck her tongue, I have never tried this one as it does not really appeal to me, but give it a go if you want to spice up your kissing techniques. Don’t suck too hard though, you don’t want to hurt her.

The blow job

No dicks involved here though ladies!

All you are going to do is gently lick your girlfriends lips with the tip of your tongue then gently blow into their lips, it will cause an amazing little tingling sensation that will have her begging for more.

The Kiss Off

This is a good one to try and see who wins.

Basically you will get as close to kissing as possible, without actually kissing.

So just sit very close to each other, your lips almost touching, arms where you please, but don’t kiss yet!

See who can last the longest without kissing, I am rubbish at this game I always lose, but hey who cares who wins or loses, either way you still get to kiss lots!

Life is too short ladies, have some fun kissing lesbians!

Well that’s a few different types of kissing you can try out, so don’t you dare be doing the same kisses over and over again, give your woman a bit of variety!

It would be a good idea to tell her you read about it on the internet rather than spring all these new kisses on your lesbian lover, because lesbians are suspicious by nature and she might just think you have a hot new lesbian woman teaching you all these new kisses!

Hope you learned some useless facts by reading my blog about lesbian kissing!

Stay Gay, Sally xxx

Do lesbians really rape other lesbians?

A lesbian rape documentary “She Stole My Voice” clearly portrays lesbian rape as a regularly occurrence amongst lesbians, so yes, lesbians do rape lesbians.

I recently had an email from one of my blog subscribers regarding this very matter and for once I was lost for words, I do not know what to say about lesbian rape, but it made me search the internet to try and understand this terrible act a little more.

I used to think I knew everything there was to know about being a lesbian, I innocently never even thought about lesbians raping each other.

Perhaps I live in a safe little bubble in Glasgow where the worst lesbians do to each other is lie, cheat and head fuck.

According to Claire Venzetti author of “Violent Betrayal, Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships” a massive 30% of lesbians have bee sexually assaulted or raped by a woman who was not necessarily an intimate partner.

That’s quite a high percentage I would say.

I don’t know if am lucky, because of where I live, that I have never known a lesbian who was raped or assaulted by another lesbian thankfully.

However, this does not mean lesbian rape does not happen in the UK, it’s just I don’t know of anyone it has happened to.

I am talking about lesbians raping lesbians, I do know lesbians who have been raped by men though, I also know many lesbians who were sexually abused or assaulted by men when they were children.

In fact many people believe some women are only lesbians because of a bad experience(s) that happened to them with men.

But this I am not so sure of, I only know that personally I have never had a bad experience with a man so that’s not the reason I am a lesbian.

There was a recent article on the news in the USA about a lesbian woman who was gang raped by 4 men.

The  woman, who is openly proud to be a lesbian, was brutally raped in San Francisco, CA.

She was gang raped for 45 minutes on December 13 by four men. She got attacked when she got out of her car that had a rainbow bumper sticker. Once attacked, they bundled her into her car and took her to an abandoned building where the sexual attack continued until the men finally left her naked, and badly injured.

Through out the entire attack, the men barraged her with homophobic epithets.

I found this video on youtube about the attack and the suspects:

I hope all the guilty parties involved receive the maximum sentence allowed.

There does seem to be a public outcry from lesbian communities regarding this case, because the woman raped was a lesbian, but I think the rape of any woman lesbian or straight is disgraceful.

Perhaps the reason there is such an outcry is that apparently the reason this lady was targeted for rape was simply for displaying a rainbow bumper sticker on her car.

In South Africa there is also a culture of lesbian corrective rape, which means that men rape lesbian women to “correct” or “cure” them of being a lesbian and make them “normal” or “straight” again.

How raping a woman could possibly make her want to be with a man is beyond me, I think it’s more than likely to have the opposite effect of what the rapists intend, put her off men for life.

This corrective rape culture in South Africa became world wide news after Eudy Simelane, the Captain of the South African Womens Football or Soccer Team was gang raped and murdered for being a lesbian.

The murderers stated that the reason she was killed was because she fought back so strongly.

Again, I found this video on you Tube about Eudy, it’s really quite sad to watch:

I guess sometimes I don’t realise how easy my life as a lesbian is in Glasgow.

I want to show you one final video regarding lesbian rape.

The video relates to a documentary about lesbian rape titled “She Stole My Voice”.

The documentary has been slated by some as soft lesbian porn and that it is not really a true life story or documentary based on actual true facts, but I have not watched it yet so I cannot comment.

The trailer for “She stole my voice” does actually disturb me a little though, you can see it below:

If you don’t think that lesbian sexual assault or rape occurs then you may want to think about the supposed lesbians gangs in Tennessee, named GTO (Gays Taking Over) and in Philadelphia a lesbian gang called DTO (Dykes Taking Over) who are allegedly assaulting, raping young girls and terrorizing people, as well.

Now I only read about these gangs on a news site online, and I certainly don’t believe everything I read, but apparently these “lesbian gangs” target a specific girl, normally a straight one, take her to a secluded spot, hold her down and perform oral sex on her, amongst other things.

Seriously, what the hell is up with these lesbians if they are doing such things?

This is as bad as the South African corrective rape, this will not make a girl a lesbian, forcing a girl or a woman to do anything will not make her change her sexual orientation whether she is gay or straight.

I really do hope to god that these so called “lesbians gangs” are not real!

So do lesbians rape other lesbians?

Is lesbian rape fact or fiction?

I sincerely hope it’s just fiction, but I have a horrible feeling that lesbian rape is a fact.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts.

Stay safe,

Sally x

Table of contents for Lesbian Dating

1. What Do Lesbians Hate When Dating

Lesbian dating can be tough, it seems when lesbians date they find some qualities attractive and other lesbians find the same things less attractive!

So what do lesbians hate when dating?

I have been dating lesbians for a few years now and I have discovered that lesbians seem to be really picky and hard to please!

And it seems that the longer a lesbian is single, the more she is less willing to put up with anything that she finds annoying or less attractive.

Basically the longer a lesbian is single, the less shit she will put up with!

So this got me wondering, is there any reason that you would never date a lesbian woman?

Let’s say you met a really hot lesbian, you totally fancy her and your day dreaming about getting her into bed so you can rip her clothes off with your teeth…

BUT…

On your date, you discover one single thing about her that instantly puts you off.

It might be:

1. Smoking.

We all know smoking is bad for ya, but it also makes your fingers, hair, breath and clothes stink!

I personally smoke, I know I know but I am trying to give up!

However, this does not mean that I particularly want to date a girl who smokes, for a start she will steal all my fags!

I know, from experience of kissing a smoker, that you do taste it, especially right after they have smoked a cigarette.

One of my ex’s uses to make me wash my hands, face and make me brush my teeth every time I had a cigarette before she would kiss me or hold my hand!

In fact, one night I was out in the Polo Lounge, in the cheesey 80’s music Trophy Room, I saw one of my friends spray a breath freshener into her gf’s mouth after she had a cigarette.

HILARIOUS!

The person who done it no doubt knows who they are, and I don’t mean anything bad by this comment, I just found it very funny.

Now my ex would constantly moan at me (not in a nice way) for me to stop smoking, it really got on my nerves, I mean I never asked her to stop shoving truckloads of chocolate into her mouth, even though it was making her ass massive now did I???

So with all her moaning you would think that would make me smoke less in her company right?

WRONG!

It made me smoke more because I felt like she was trying to control me lol.

In fact, anytime we had an argument, guess what I would do?

Yep, light up a ciggie just to annoy her even more, ah the games we lesbians play eh, or maybe it’s just me that played that game!

Anyway smoking is not an issue for me, and many non smokers say it is not an issue for them, and they said it would not stop them dating a girl.

It is important to note that these non smokers tend to just say that until you date them, then they moan the face off you every time you smoke, you have been warned.

You will often hear her say to you:

Are you having another cigarette already but you just had one!

2. Nail biting

Nail biting is my particular pet hate!

I am not saying you have to have 6 inch talons, or manicured nails even, but at least have clean nails that have not been chewed down to your finger skin!

It’s disgusting!

Plus it makes your fingers really sore, an ex of mine (the same one) used to bite her nails constantly, like every second of the day her fingers would be in her mouth, gnawing away like a hamster on her nails.

Now it wasn’t just the sound of her biting the nails, that constant little clickety clickety as she chewed her way down them, it was the left over nails!

The left over nails in her mouth that she would proceed to spit out ewwwwwwww!

When I complained about this spitting she would state “well I am not going to swallow them am I”.

Ah, the age old argument of swallow or spit rears it’s ugly head again!

I am sure I suffered from whiplash from trying to avoid the low flying nail missiles she spat out from her mouth.

Thank god she never bit her toenails or I swear to god her ass would have been kicked right out the door!

I would never date a nail biter again, it disgusts me, as much as smoking probably disgusts a non-smoker.

Maybe you don’t mind someone chewing their fingernails down to the skin, making clickety sounds all day long and then spitting their discarded nail bitings out but I do!

3. Sun Bed Queens

I can’t stand sun bed queens!

Now I am all for having a nice tanned glow all year round, it does in some cases make people look more healthy.

Of course we know a tan is never healthy though right?

Course you do.

The reason I have a particular dislike for sunbed queens is the constant questions and statements you get…

“Do you think I look tanned?”

You look in the mirror every day why you asking me????

“Look at my tan lines, look how white I used to be, see where my watch was!”

Yeah I don’t really care how white you used to be and if I am honest, you know those white marks on your breasts, they actually look stupid!

Not that I say that, I just think it.

I mean does anyone actually like the fact that all of their body is brown except for their private parts?

It looks ridiculous when a sun bed queen undresses and you are blinded by the reflection of light bouncing off her breasts or bum!

If you are going on a sun bed, at least do it properly, take all your clothes off!

“Look how brown I am beside you”

Yes, they always have to put their arms or legs beside yours and show how brown they are and how white you are!

Now I am a chalk-white scottish woman, a ghost would probably have a better tan than me!

I also hate that weird smell when a girl just comes out of a tanning salon, it’s a mix between burnt skin and Australian Gold Super Duper Tan Accelerator or something like that, not a nice smell trust me!

Now sunbeds DO age you quicker.

So all these little sun bed queens diving down to the tanning salon every spare minute they have, will realise this one day, give them a few years and the crows feet will be so deep it would take a cement truck to fill them!

Nope, I will never date a sun bed queen again in a hurry!

4. Lipstick Lesbians

Now I dont mind a lesbian wearing a bit of make up, but when they apply it with a trowel, then that’s not good.

I personally don’t like when a girl I am kissing wears lip stick, not just because it gets all over my mouth, but the waxy oily feeling makes me feel sick!

Even the slightest bit of lipstick on my lips has me reaching for the sick bucket.

And it’s not just lipstick I hate, foundation is even worse, it smells revolting!

When foundation is caked on a girl’s face and you kiss her, the smell is almost unbearable to me.

Not only that, if the girl doesn’t take her make up off when you hit the sack, you will find your lovely egyptian or silk bed covers ruined!

And even if they do take the make up off before bed, it’s normally dark so you can’t see them properly.

When morning comes around, you wake up and gaze round at your lesbian beauty and awake her with your screams!

When girls wear too much make up they look totally ill without it, like death warmed up.

I also find that girls try and make YOU wear make up to.

I have seen it happen to many friends, one minute they never wear make up, then they date a lesbian who wears make up…

The next time you see them, they look like coco the clown!

Some lesbians don’t look good in make up, trust me.

My final moan about lesbians who wear make up is how long is takes them to put in on, it takes them sooooooooooooo long!

I mean sometimes, it takes them an hour, and they don’t even look any different, but if you had to suggest they should go out with no make up on, they would rather die.

I guess because I don’t wear makeup, I don’t fully understand the big deal about.

5. Foul Mouthed Lesbians

This is the final reason I wouldn’t date a lesbian.

The lesbians who have a mouth like a sewer.

I don’t know who on earth thinks that swearing or using obscenities is attractive, because it’s not.

I remember dating a girl, and she was on the phone to her mum, she proceeded to say…

“Shut it ya fucking old cunt, I will be hame later”.

I guess that will teach me not to date 19 year olds from Paisley right???

Yes, that relationship didn’t last long, not just for the bad language, but because of the disrespect to her mother, I am a self confessed Mummy’s girl, and you should never treat your mum badly.

It can be very embarrassing when you date a “foul mouther”, they really can’t help those rude words tripping off their tongues, and they are normally very loud when they speak too.

This will put you in many awkward situations and I don’t advise it.

I also have a young daughter, who I certainly don’t want to be listening to those types of words, so I will never date a lesbian who has a foul mouth.

Well that’s just 5 reasons why you might not want to date a lesbian.

Love is blind but a lesbian is not!

But in all honestly, we tend to put up with things we don’t like when we are in love, they do say love is blind.

It’s only when we split with this so called “love of our life” that we start to realise all those things that annoyed us about them.

I remember one time, when me and an ex had not been getting on so well, I read in a magazine that you should write a list of pros and cons.

So you put your girlfriend’s name at the top, then draw two columns, one titled pros and one titled cons.

You then list the good things about your girlfriend and the bad.

Now if there is way too much stuff on the cons or bad column, you know it’s time to dump her.

And if there is lots on the pros or good column, you know you should try and work things out with your lesbian relationship.

So I done this little test, and guess what, I needed to cellotape a second sheet of paper below the cons or bad things.

It was time to ditch her but….

Surprisingly we patched things up and all was going well until…

Remember that list I wrote?

I really should have thrown it away shouldn’t I?

Yes, well I didn’t and she found my little list when she was snooping in my drawers, she really shouldn’t have snooped anyway!

The thing was, at the time I wrote the list I was mad, so I had wrote lot of things that normally didn’t bother me, but I was trying to convince myself to dump her.

Anyway she read the list, cried and dumped me.

So if you write such a list, hide it or burn it, you have been warned!

Now before you go, remember the little story I told you at the beginning of this post:

Let’s say you met a really hot lesbian, you totally fancy her and your day dreaming about getting her into bed so you can rip her clothes off with your teeth…

BUT…

On your date, you discover one single thing about her that instantly puts you off.

I want to know, if there is one single thing that would stop you from dating a lesbian.

Just let me know in the comments below…

Stay gay, Sally x

Table of contents for funny lesbian stories

1. Lesbian Women PMT, PMS and Period Symptoms
2. Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting
3. Lesbians - Buy a Dildo - Minus the Brass Neck!
4. Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand
5. Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites
6. Lesbian Women Faking Having Orgasms

Ok so lesbians have periods just like normal women, cos we are normal after all!

In fact, I reckon lesbians have more periods than straight women.

Why?

Well most lesbians are not on the contraceptive pill, unless they are bi and pretending to regulate their period cycle!

My arse!

Your on the pill cos you intend to shag a boy or man at some point and we all know it!

Many straight women, skip and miss periods simply by taking their pill, over the time they are supposed to menstruate, this means that in the 7 day break of taking the pill, they continue to take it, in order to miss a period.

This is of course fab if your going on holiday, I used to do it all the time!

No one wants a period on holiday yes?

Now I don’t know about you, but I hate having my period,

I cant stand the pms or pmt, the crying for no apparent reason, the amount of knickers I have ruined, the cramps, the amount of sex I have missed out on etc etc the list goes on and on and on and on…..

But did you know that it is a well known fact that females will ultimately menstruate at the same time.

This is not good news if you are a lesbian!

Apparently, when females live together, not just lesbians, I mean in general ie. sisters, mothers etc that you will co-incidently menstruate at the same time.

Now you may not think much about this fact…

UNLESS YOU ARE A LESBIAN!

Is it not bad enough that you are on your period, but imagine your girlfriend being on her’s too!

This opens up a whole new can of worms.

Let’s think about it for a moment…

Your grumpy on your period, she is grumpy on her period, you both have a visitor from the painters at the same time…

DISASTER!

Now I never really thought about the theory of girls or women menstruating at the same, until I came out and until Emma started to get her period at the same time as me.

OMG lock up the knives, the lesbians are on their periods.

Screaming matches, crying, stuff getting broken, arguments about who used the last tampon etc etc.

It was a complete and utter nightmare, trust me!

Now we all know lesbian arguments can be solved by make up sex right, tbh (to be honest) that’s why we start arguments half the time, just to have more sex right?

But when you are both “on” there is no sex, so you cant make up!

Ok so I am not saying you CANNOT HAVE SEX WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD.

I know all about butterfly kissing!

But most lesbians chose not to for obvious hygiene reasons.

So without make up sex to solve an argument, the argument festers.

I bet if you look at the dates that lesbians split up they coincide with their menstruating cycle!

Another thing I would like to mention is that you should never blame anything on your girl being on her period.

Seriously, just try saying “it’s only because your on your period”.

OMG, dead meat!

You never ever EVER use the reason of your girl being on her period to blame her, she will literally hit the roof.

It’s also not a good idea never to call a lesbian “lazy”, lesbians hate being called lazy, don’t ask me why I just know from experience.

Personally I am the first to admit that I am completely and utterly lazy at all times possible, but just for a joke call your lesbian girlfriend lazy and see how she reacts.

In fact call her lazy when she is on her period and after you get home from accident and emergency, you can let me know if she liked the joke!

Periods are a curse for lesbians, unless ofcourse you want a beautiful bouncing baby to carry on your genes.

I actually have 7 year old daughter so I really don’t feel the need to have blood pour out of me each month anymore, and I welcome the “change”.

At 36, I should be cursed with periods for not much longer thankfully, but sadly I do prefer younger women so it may be a few years before I am free of pms and pmt!

So I guess I may just have to hide the knives for a little longer.

Do you or your girlfriend go a little crazy when it’s that time of the month? Comment below and let me know!

Stay gay, Sally x

Table of contents for lesbian tv

1. Im a Celebrity Lesbian Get Lindsay Lohan Out Of Here
2. Far Out Tv UK Lesbian Drama Show
3. Glasgow Lesbians BBC3 Drama Lip Service

We all know Lindsay Lohan is a hot celebrity lesbian, and her lesbian girlfriend Sam Ronson is not!

I think she is simply piggy-backing on Lindsay’s fame, although her fame is on a slippery downward spiral right now.

Face facts Sam Ronson lovers, before Lindsay, Sam had very little bookings as a DJ, after Lindsay her bookings jumped up, it has even been said that bookings were cancelled when the clients knew Lindsay would not be with Sam.

What does that tell you????

Sam Ronson, knows exactly what she is doing, and Lindsays family know too!

Seems like celebs, lesbian or not, are not coping too well of late.

Take Mischa Barton for example, have you seen the state of her lately, man she looks ill, apparently she cant cope with a recent break up!

That’s because she keeps dating guys!

Wake up Mischa, you have been in more lesbian movies than I can shake stick at, your obviously a lesbian, date some women and your problems will be gone, trust me, I am a lesbian, I never lie!

Anyway back to poor old Lindsay Lohan with the flagging career…

Apparently she is about to experience some new bush, not Sam Ronson’s, a real bush!

Both the Uk and the USA versions of “I’m a celebrity get me out of here” are after Lindsay to appear on their tv show.

Let’s face it, her career has been on the downward spiral for months, she totally needs a kick up her skinny lil ass and get her career back on track.

Lately all she has been doing is falling out of taxis and night clubs with her lady-bush on show
with Sam Ronson, lesbian celebrity wannabee, in tow.

Apparently, the powers that be have deemed our lovely Lindsay to be the perfect
person for a reality show like I’m A Celeb.

This translates to she is on the verge of a breakdown and is desperate for cash!

The UK version has just started working on recruiting the new
line-up and so far we have a lesbian Samantha Fox, god help us all, we all know what Sam was like the last time she appeared on a reality tv show!

I love Sam Fox, her song “touch me” was excellent lol but I am not sure if I am ready to see her, warts and all again, nor do I think it will do her any favours appearing on Im a celeb, unless she can stay away from the booze!

Meanwhile the US version, hosted by our very own, reality tv star, Myleene Klass, is approaching Lindsay’s people to try to tempt her
into jungle.

Tell you what Myleene, Lyndsay loves a bit of bush, just do a re-enactment of your own personal “im a celeb” shower scene and Lyndsay will be all ours!

I personally think Lindsay would be shit on I’m a celeb, she is not a “mean girl” she is a “messed up” girl who needs to ditch that witch of an ex girlfriend and hook up with Betty Ford anytime soon!

Sally x

Table of contents for lesbian tv

1. Im a Celebrity Lesbian Get Lindsay Lohan Out Of Here
2. Far Out Tv UK Lesbian Drama Show
3. Glasgow Lesbians BBC3 Drama Lip Service

Finally a Uk Lesbian Drama Show by Far Out Tv will soon be released for all us UK lesbians.

I have done a quick Far Out Tv video showing you the Far Out Cast Members, and some behind the scene photos from the newest UK Lesbian Series.

I have also included a few videos from Far Out Tv themselves.

Far Out UK L Word Online Lesbian Drama

See what Faye Hughes of FarOut Tv has to say below, ps I think she is kinda sexy but that’s probably because I have a “thing” for English accents!

Faye Hughes Lesbian Far Out Tv Story

Watch the official Far Out Tv Trailer below and see the cast for this latest UK lesbian drama series…

Far Out Tv New Lesbian Series Teaser

Watch out for future posts on Far Out Tv here and be on the look out for a special event coming that will allow you to buy tickets to watch the very first screening of Far Out Tv, you might even get to meet the cast from the Lesbian Show too!

Like I said before this new lesbian show aptly named Far Out, is the brainchild of Faye Hughes and is being hailed as the Lesbian “Queer as Folk” or the UK lesbian version of the “L Word“.

Far Out Tv promises to be a funny, gripping lesbian show that will take viewers on an emotional, sexy, roller coaster of a ride through contemporary lesbian life.

I am sure us lesbians will wait with baited breath to see what Faye comes up with and hopefully we shall have a new lesbian series to follow in absence of the L Word, bring on Far Out TV!

Stay gay, Sally x

ps. I you simply can’t wait for Far Out Tv to release their new lesbian series, you can get photos, interviews and even join the Far Out TV forum by clicking here.

Table of contents for Lesbian Poll

1. What Do Two Lesbians Do In Bed Together?
2. Lesbian Girls Most Famous Heroines Vote

So What Do Two Lesbians Do In Bed Together?

Well they have sex dummy!

Apparently not, it seems rather than fucking in bed lesbians sleep!

Ok so us lesbians like kissing in bed, making out in bed and just basically having sex in bed right?

I don’t know about you, but I get sick and tired of guys or straight girls asking me what two lesbians do in bed together, we are not aliens you know!

I always answer with the same, comment…

When two lesbians are in bed together, they SLEEP!

Now we all know that what people really mean when they ask what lesbians do in bed together, is they mean how do we erm make love!

How rude!

You just don’t ask what people what they do in bed!

I mean, I would never ask any of my straight friends what they do in bed right?

So why do people think is it ok to ask a lesbian what she does when she is in bed with her gorgeous lesbian girlfriend???

I know most people are just curious as to what lesbians get up to underneath the covers on the bed, but is lesbian sex really that interesting?

Guys just want a piece of the lesbian pie!

Ok we know why guys think lesbians fucking are hot, cos they wish they could get in on the action right?

But I actually get really embarrassed when straight women ask me.

My boss asks how I fuck my girlfriend!

Yesterday in work, one of my bosses, was asking me what I do in bed with a lesbian.

I almost fainted!

I think by the way my face turned crimson red, she knew she had maybe put me on the spot!

She innocently asked…

“what do lesbians do when they are in bed together, I mean, obviously neither of you have a dick, so what do you do?”

Anne is a cock lover, there is no way she would ever trying sleeping with a gay girl, she would miss the “penetration” too much.

Hold on a sec…

Who said lesbians cant have penetration???

Us lesbians have fingers right?

Ten last time I checked!

Although I would not suggest using the whole ten fingers right away!

So does using your fingers to pleasure your lesbian girlfriend count as penetration?

I think it does, but opinion varies.

I was on a Lesbian Community Website the other day, and the discussion was penetration.

Now as always, there are men on lesbians sites, yes for whatever reason, they always come to our sites, some come openly as men, others hide and mask behind a lesbian profile!

But to be honest you can always spot a man in a lesbian website a mile away!

Anyway, this lesbian (a man) started a discussion about penetration, and he/she said that penetration by fingers does not constitute having sex.

The reason behind this was that if a man and a woman were getting down and dirty, and then man used his fingers inside her, but that was all, not other sexual contact, then they had not had sex together.

The person further used a virgin as an example, they said that if a virgin did this, she would still think her virginity was intact and that she had not had sex yet.

When I was reading this, I did think ok I can see the reasoning behind this and perhaps I agreed a little that they had not technically had sex, it was more a sexual act than full on sex.

So now I was confused about lesbian sex!

If I was agreeing that finger penetration was not actually having sex, then technically I was saying that when lesbians are in bed together they don’t have sex.

Of course I know us lesbians do a lot more than just that in bed, but I am just discussing this part of lesbian bedroom activity right now.

Cue the angry lesbians…

There then followed an onslaught of angry lesbians all screaming blue murder that it was sex!

If you look on wikipedia, the definition for sexual intercourse is as follows:

Sexual intercourse, also known as copulation or coitus, commonly refers to the act in which the male reproductive organ enters the female reproductive tract.^[1][2] The two entities may be of opposite sexes or not, or they may be hermaphroditic, as is the case with snails. In recent years, penetration of non-sexual organs (oral intercourse, anal intercourse) or by non-sexual organs (fingering, fisting) are also sometimes included in this definition.^[2] Traditionally, intercourse has been viewed as the natural endpoint of all sexual contact between a man and a woman.^[2]

Non-penetrative sexual contacts and mutual masturbation (oral sex may or may not be penetrative) have been referred to as “outercourse”.^[3][4][5][6] The word sex, in the context of sexual intimacy, is often, if not universally, understood to include any mutual genital stimulation, i.e. both intercourse and outercourse.^[7]

Sexual intercourse for most animals other than humans occurs at the point of estrus (the most fertile period of time in the female’s reproductive cycle),^[8][9]successful impregnation. However, bonobos,^[10]dolphins,^[11] and chimpanzees are known to engage in sexual intercourse even when the female is not in estrus, and to engage in sex acts with same-sex partners.^[12] In most instances, humans have sex primarily for pleasure.^[13] This behavior in the above mentioned animals is also presumed to be for pleasure,^[14] which increases the chances of which in turn strengthens social bonds.

Attention fellow lesbians, Sally needs your help!

So I need your help, I want you to tell me, using the comments box below, do you think that if someone penetrates someone with their fingers that they have had sex?

Just answer:

yes, it’s sex

or

No, it’s not sex.

And feel free to justify your reasons for your answer.

I am very curious as to know your personal opinion on this subject.

When two lesbians are in bed together, are they having full on sex or just committing sexual acts, let me know your thoughts.

Stay gay, Sally x

Table of contents for Lesbian Poll

1. What Do Two Lesbians Do In Bed Together?
2. Lesbian Girls Most Famous Heroines Vote

Lesbian Girls Most Famous Heroines Results

Today 2600 lesbian girls voted their most Famous Heroines.

Now I am not one to judge, but Angelia Jolie was voted the ultimate lesbian heroine, wtf!

Oh my god, what’s up with that!

My personal favourite, Britney, was stuck away down at position 16, now we all know if we could choose a lesbian position for Britney it would be 69!

Anyway, just a quick post to let you know the results of the lesbian girls poll.

See if your favourite woman, not lesbian women, just women in general made the cut!

The complete top 20 ranking of lesbian heroines is, drum roll please…

1. Angelina Jolie

2. Madonna

3. Pink

4. Martina Navratilova

5. Ellen DeGeneres

6. Kylie Minogue

7. Lady Gaga

8. Annie Lennox

9. Beyoncé

10. Germaine Greer

11. Liza Minnelli

12. Gwen Stefani

13. Cher

14. Janet Jackson

15. Tori Amos

16. Britney Spears

17. Cyndi Lauper

18. Scarlet Johansson

19. Sarah Jessica Parker

20. Dolly Parton

Not quite sure why I never made the list, they should have surveyed Glasgow Lesbians!

I personally don’t agree with the top 20, but hey if all us lesbians had the same taste it would be a very boring world wouldn’t it!

Stay gay, Sally x

Table of contents for lesbian stories

1. Signs Your Lesbian Ex Girlfriend Wants You Back

Signs Your Lesbian Ex Girlfriend Wants You Back

Ok, so we pretty much all have a lesbian ex girlfriend right?

But do we really want our lesbian ex girlfriend back?

Hmmmm….

NOPE!

I don’t want ANY of my lesbian ex-girlfriends back and that’s for sure.

However, even though you might not want your ex girlfriend back, that does not mean that she will take her claws out of you!

Now she may not even want you back, but that does not mean you are allowed a new girlfriend, no way, your ex girlfriend is going to try and mess with your head.

She is going to keep dangling you on a string, keep messing with your head, and ultimately keep her claws firmly dug into you.

She will play a cat and mouse game of “she loves me, she loves me not” with you.

She will toy with your affections, make you believe she wants you back then, dump you all over again.

This will go on as long as you allow it to.

Lesbians and ex girlfriends are like dogs with bones, they just wont let go!

Now if you are not sure if your ex girlfriend is trying to mess with your head, I have listed 10 ways below, if you recognise any, then you have a 100% proper head fucking ex…

1. Photos…

They will send you via email, or mobile phone, photos of themselves, this is so you don’t forget what they look like.

As if you could forget!

Worse still they may still send you naked pics or even worse them looking sad!

The photo of your ex girlfriend looking sad or crying even, is emotional black mail, pure and simple.

This is to make you believe that they can’t live without you, they are utterly lost without you.

2. Lez Be Friends…

The next way your lesbian ex girlfriend will stay in your life and keep trying to mess up your head is by staying friends.

She does not want to be your friend, she is simply keeping tracks or tabs on you.

Your ex girlfriend wants to know what your up to, and ultimately wants to stop you moving on.

This is why I NEVER stay friends with an ex, it doesn’t work unless you were perhaps friends before you started your lesbian love affair OR you are forced to stay friends because you hang around with the same circle of friends.

My advice, if you can, cut all ties, don’t text, don’t email, don’t call, don’t do lunch, get away from her!

REMEMBER…AN EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON!

3. Memories, from the corner of my mind…

She is going to use every dirty trick in the book!

She will make you recall memories of you both having fun, she will constantly remind you of the good old days.

She will say “remember that time we went to …”

She will also remind you of “your song” or tell you her favourite song at the moment, which she will say “the lyrics remind me of you” this will compel you to listen to it.

Don’t listen to any songs she likes, it’s all part her plan in getting you back!

Alarm bells should be ringing in your ears, she is totally trying to relive your past together.

4. OMG I need your help…

She is going to have more personal dramas than Britney Spears (whom I totally love!).

Her dog / cat / hamster / budgie / goldfish etc will die.

She will have an accident in her car.

She will lose her job, or be bullied at work.

Your ex girlfriend will use any drama in her life to again pull out the sympathy vote and get you to talk to her.

Girls are very sneaky, trust me!

5. They miss you…

Ok, so we know that your ex girlfriend misses you, but she knows that is not enough to get you back, so she is going to use the power of someone else missing you.

This could be her son / daughter.

Her niece / nephew.

Her dog / cat / goldfish !

Your ex will say that they are asking after you (not the pets unless they are unusually talented!), want to talk to you, miss you etc, again all playing on your soft side, trying to get you back.

6. Previous Plans…

You will no doubt have made plans with your ex girlfriend so she will hold you to them!

That’s why I freak out when making plans with a girl, there is always a little voice at the back of my mind saying “you might not be with her in xxx amount of days”.

If you make plans it’s hard to break them, especially if you have arranged:

To attend a concert / gig

Go on holiday

She will also use birthdays against you by saying she already bought a gift etc.

I warned you didn’t I, lesbians are so so sneaky, be on you guard at all times!

She will insist you still carry out these plans, and you are lumbered with seeing her again.

Don’t make plans!!!

7. Turning Over A New Leaf…

She will change everything about herself that you ever hated, so she will:

Stop smoking

Stop drinking

Stop cheating

Stop being inconsiderate

Stop being a bitch!

Oh look, a flying pig just flew past my window!!!

Your ex girlfriend will basically revamp herself to the person you always wanted her to be.

But it’s just an act to get you back, once you have went back, everything shall revert to the way it was and the same problems will crop up time and time again.

She will do her absolute best to convince you that she is a changed woman!

But just as a leopard cannot change it’s spots neither can a lesbian.

8. Stalking You…

Yes, if all else fails she will stalk you.

She will amazingly turn up everywhere that you are!

You will feel like she has stole your blackberry and knows your every move.

She will act surprised to see you, but we both know she knew you would be there.

Your ex girlfriend will need help in stalking you, she will use…

Your family

Your friends

Your work mates

ANYONE WHO KNOWS YOU!

So beware of the ex turning up anytime you go out.

Be particularly aware of her trying to bump into you when you are drunk, she knows her chances of getting back with you when you are drunk are highly increased!

She also knows that she has a much better chance of getting you back in bed if you are drunk, let’s face it us lesbians love love love sex, and if we have not had it in a while, and it’s there on a plate we will take it 69 times out of 10!

Stay away from your ex girlfriend if you are drunk.

Don’t have sex with her, no drunk texting, no drunk dialing, no nothing do you hear me!

Your lesbian ex girlfriend will also use social media to stalk you by constantly monitoring your:

Bebo

Myspace

Facebook

Twitter

MSN / Yahoo / AOL Instant messenger

God help you if she knows any of your logins / passwords because she will also read all your emails etc etc.

Never give a girlfriend your logins / passwords, and if you have, go change them right now!!!

9. The Green Eyed Monster…

She is going to try and make you jealous, yes she is, the devious lil witch that she is.

Your lesbian ex girlfriend might…

Get a hot new girlfriend

Get the car you always wanted

Buy a puppy

Get tickets to a concert of your favourite singer / act etc.

Anything you ever talked about wanting, she will get just to try and get her claws back into you!

10. They are over you, are or they?

This is a clever little plan where your ex girlfriend will have tried every thing above and still not have you, so she will resort to pretending she is over you.

But secretly, she is just waiting to pounce!

She wants you to let your guard down, feel safe and secure before she makes one last bid for your heart!

Your ex girlfriend will get a new girlfriend, everything will seem fine, you will breath a sigh of relief until…

She starts to compare you to the new love.

She will say her new girlfriend is not as good in bed, doesn’t kiss as good as you, does not treat her as good as you, this is all leading to one statement…

“I should have never let you go”.

So never let your guard down, stay aware at all times, and hopefully, one day, you will get rid of your lesbian ex girlfriend!

I have been with enough girls to spot the signs now, so I feel like my head cannot be messed about anymore, thank god!

When you split up with a lesbian they go through stages of getting you back, these rotate regularly.

One minute she will be crying and telling you how much she loves, misses and needs you.

The next minute she will be screaming and shouting at you, calling you every bad name she can think of!

Pink - Please Don’t Leave Me…

You may know the lyrics of one of Pink’s songs “Please don’t leave me”, the lyrics say:

How did I become so obnoxious, what is it with you that makes me act like this, I’ve never been this nasty!

Now lesbians, do this, they blame you for them being mean!

Next Pink sings…

Can’t you tell this is all just a contest, the one that wins will be the one who hits the hardest, but baby I don’t mean it…

Again typical lesbian in a break-up, she will say the most nasty hurtful things to you, trying to hit you where it hurts, because she hurts so much.

And I believe they don’t mean it, but sometimes saying sorry does not cut it, sometimes your ex girlfriend will say stuff that you can never forgive her for.

They do say you always hurt the ones you love, the reason is because people you love will put up with your shit.

But when someone does not love you anymore, they won’t put up with your shit any longer, one day, they will leave you for good.

That is basically what has happened with your ex girlfriend, she just dished up too much shit to you, and you decided to walk away.

But remember she is desperate and will try every single thing she can to get you back, but don’t go back, I am sure you deserve much better.

Be strong, move on and find someone better.

Stay gay,

Sally x

Table of contents for funny lesbian stories

1. Lesbian Women PMT, PMS and Period Symptoms
2. Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting
3. Lesbians - Buy a Dildo - Minus the Brass Neck!
4. Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand
5. Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites
6. Lesbian Women Faking Having Orgasms

“Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites”

This week I would like to blog about glasgow lesbians, their dirty lies and filthy lovebites!

Ok hands up which of you lesbians have had a big dirty lovebite…shame on you!

I can picture Heather sitting in front of her pc holding up her hand cos she has a big dirty love bite courtesy of her gf Kelly!

Shame on you two!!!

So according to wikipedia a love bite is:

A love-bite is a temporary bruise or mark caused by kissing, sucking or biting the skin forcefully enough to burst blood vessels beneath the skin.

Love-bites typically last from four to twelve days and may be treated in the same way as other bruises.

The terms hickey (hicky, or hickie) or shagger is often applied to a love-bite on the neck area.

Love-bites can be a purple like color similar to other types of contusions, or a cluster of Red speckles.

According to Glasgow Lesbians a love bite is:

BLOODY MINGING!

How can you possibly think a big dirty love bite has anything to do with love!

I mean seriously, it is possibly the most unattractive thing on a girl, well maybe a big cold sore on her lips is also pretty unattractive too.

A love bite to me just shouts out “I’m a dirty skanky tramp!”

(No offence Heather, I know your love bite was just a bit of fun between you and your chick!)

I remember one time I had been seeing a girl Kirsty for a week or so, and I told her I was going out for a drink with another girl I had recently stopped seeing, Vicky.

Of course me going out with an ex went down well, not!

Kirsty didn’t want me to go, so I obviously didn’t go, yeah right, I went out anyway.

So the day after my night out, Kirsty phoned and asked if I had slept with Vicky…

As if I would do such a thing…

Ok, ok, so I did sleep with Vicky but I was drunk, and she practically forced me and there was a full moon too, so the odds were totally stacked up against me!

Now did I admit to my little mishap?

No way, like a good little lesbian, I decided that rather than owning up, I would lie through my teeth.

No for once I didn’t lie, see I can be honest!

Ok, I lied for a little while, but the guilt was too much so I “fessed” (confessed) up.

She was really quite angry, called me some names, you know what I mean the usual lesbian reaction when you cheat.

But my charm and wit shone through, and she agreed to come see me that night.

So that night Kirsty came round, and I was trying my best to be extra specially nice because of what I had done.

And surprisingly she was really forgiving, wow I couldn’t believe it!

It’s not often a lesbian forgives you for cheating, believe me I know.

But you see nice, little, sweet honest Kirsty was not so innocent…

In fact, she had a little guilty, dark secret of her own, I would later realise that it was not my wit and charm that got her to come round to my house to see me, the real reason was she had something to tell me…

Anyway, It was quite a warm night, and she had a zip up top on, right up past her neck to her chin, have you guessed yet?

Remember when I was talking about big dirty lovebites…

Well I said to her, it’s roasting, take your top off, she was really quite hesistant saying “But I only have a vest top on under this”.

So I said “Stop being daft it’s a warm night, take it off”.

Reluctantly she took it off.

She than sat like a contortionist with one side of her neck hidden from me.

Now I actually didn’t think anything of her sitting with one leg wrapped round her neck, kidding, I actually did notice and asked “Why are you sitting like that?”.

She immediately jumped up and said she needed the toilet, but as she stood up and turned to leave the room I saw it…

Yes, a big dirty purple love bite smack bang on the middle of her neck!

The same neck I was about to strangle with my bare hands!

I said to her “what the fuck is that on your neck”.

She didn’t even try to deny it, she said “it’s a love bite”.

So I replied “I know it’s a fucking love bite, who gave you it!”.

So she told me she had shagged some ex gf the night before, but the excuse is classic…

You see, Kirsty must have been a lesbian psychic, because apparently she knew I was going to sleep with Vicky so she went and slept with her ex.

What The Fuck !!!

Can you seriously use that as an excuse?

Ok, so technically I did sleep with Vicky, but what if I hadn’t!

I think her cheating was worse than my cheating, because hers was like pre-meditated cheating or something!

You lot will agree with me yes?

Her cheating was worse than mine and she damn well knew it!

If I hadn’t slept with Vicky, she would still have shagged her ex, so there!

It’s as plain as the nose on your face, my cheating is technically not as bad.

I feel like Ross and Rachel on Friends, you know how they always have the same argument about Ross cheating and they debate about whether or not they were on a break!

I guess it’s a little childish, but like Ross was on a break, my cheating was not as bad!

So anyway, after a shouting match, we had sex (with each other this time) and patched things up.

That’s just how lesbians fix relationship problems, have sex with each other and all is forgotten.

I didn’t really trust Kirsty after that (pot calling the kettle black I know I know) so the relationship was ultimately doomed, and didn’t last much longer after that.

So lesbians, if you must get a lovebite, get one off your girlfriend and not the lesbian you cheat with!

7 Quick Ways To Get Rid Of A Cold Sore (NOT)

If you do get an unsightly love bite, here are some tips I found on google for getting rid of them:

1. Toothpaste

2. Mixture of sperm and chocolate (ewwwww!)

3. Piles or Haemorrhoid Cream

4. Ice cubes

5. A cold spoon

6. A comb (????)

7. A plaster

Ok, seriously that’s the biggest lot of crap ever!

Nothing takes a lovebite away, except time.

The best cure for a lovebite, is don’t get one!

I don’t tend to get or give lovebites anymore, I honestly think they are vile, but if I must do it, breast is best, that way at least it can be hidden.

So if your gf ever cheats on you, and comes home with a big dirty lovebite on her neck, you know it wasn’t me she cheated with.

But if the lovebite is on her breasts, well then it might just have been me, kiddin of course.

I have heard about a “lovebite necklace” which is basically a ring of lovebites all the way around your neck, how classy is that!

I totally don’t ever want that as a present!

Well that’s another little look into my wonderful lesbian life, feel free to comment below and share some of your own lesbian life stories with me…

Stay Gay, Sally x

Table of contents for Drunk Lesbians

1. Glasgow Lesbians Loose in Dels, FHQ and Polo…
2. Drunken Glasgow Lesbians Do The Lost and Found
3. Lesbians, Do You Seduce Straight Women?

Glasgow Lesbians, Do You Seduce Straight Woman?

According to my Glasgow Lesbian Scene friends, yes lesbians do seduce straight women, in fact lesbians will seduce gay, straight, bi-sexual and first time lesbians!

So according to us Glasgow lesbians, anyone is fair game when it comes to the matter of lesbian sex and love!

Now you could say that if straight women are being seduced by lesbians, then surely they must be lesbians themselves right?

Apparently NOT!

Some women are curious to fuck a lesbian for one night!

If you are going to have a one night stand with a straight woman, or lesbian women, then I suggest you read my other post titled “surviving a lesbian one night stand” first!

I suppose if I think about, most of us were straight women who were seduced by a lesbian yes?

Seduced does seem like a strong word, maybe attracted to a lesbian would be better, in fact we probably were not even attracted to a lesbian, it was probably a straight mate!

Confused, I am too!

When I had my first lesbian experience, I would have considered myself to have been a straight woman, now I may have been having doubts about my sexuality, but to the world I was straight.

Then fate through Emma in my path, and bingo I am a lesbian.

My little sister, Susan, disliked Emma due to the fact that she said Emma made me gay, after all I was “normal” until I met her.

Now what Susan didn’t realise was that I fancied lots of girls long before Emma came on the scene!

So I guess I was a lesbian trapped in a straight life!

But I don’t want to talk about lesbians trapped in straight lives, I want to talk about 100% straight women, if there is such a thing?

My friend Chrissie said that ANY woman is turnable.

By turnable, she means that any woman is turnable from straight to lesbian.

She has obviously never met my lesbian hating little sister then!

Now the straight woman may not be turnable for life, but you might just get a night of hot filled girl on girl sex with her!

But is that enough?

I have never slept with a straight woman, I have kissed plenty, but never went further than that.

Seriously, if you want to kiss a straight women just go to a gay bar, there are lots of them there!

I actually think straight women seduce lesbians!!!

I don’t know how many times straight women have said to me they would love to kiss a girl (hint: when they say this to you, your the lesbian they want to kiss!)

I remember being out a few weeks ago, and we were chatting to two girls outside Polo, one lesbian and one straight (allegedly).

Now the straight girl dared me to kiss her.

Dared me?

She just had to ask and I would have kissed her no problem.

Actually she looked quite pretty when I had my beer goggles on, but in the true light of day, who knows!

So being the nice, kind, thoughtful lesbian that I am, I had to take one for the team of course, that’s my friend Jo’s favourite saying “you have to take one for the team!”.

So I bit the bullet, and gave “lil miss straight” a kiss.

Was this enough?

Nooooooo, have you ever kissed me?

I am possibly the best lesbian kisser in THE WORLD, of course one kiss wasn’t enough, she politely asked for another kiss.

Ok, so she didn’t actually ask politely, she said “is that it?”

The cheek of it !!!

So I gave “lil miss straight” my bestest bestest kiss everrrrrr!

Yeah, that shut her up, well no actually it didn’t, again she said “is that all I am getting?”.

How rude!

So I thought right that’s it, and started on the toe curler / knee wobbler kiss (yes I have many variations of my kiss).

I was just getting into full swing (in the middle of the street outside polo, I am kinda mortified about doing that but I was very drunk) and all of a sudden I feel these strong hands go round my waist and pull me off!

It was my friend Mags!

She dragged me away from “lil miss straight” with the words “stop kissing her she is straight!” echoing in my ears.

Gutted or what!

So that abruptly ended my encounter with lil miss straight.

I actually felt quite bad about kissing her, not because it was a horrid kiss or anything, but from the look on her lesbian friend’s face.

Her poor lesbian friend, who is so very obviously in love with her straight mate, was gutted.

She actually said “wow, she has never done anything like that with me”.

You could tell the lesbian had been pining for her straight mate for quite some time, but she should realise it’s never gonna happen if it hasn’t already.

Another Straight Girl - Different Gay Club…

I remember another time I was in the lovely “Bennets Night Club”.

Bennets is dark and dingy, but if you are really drunk it’s not too bad.

I had pulled this girl, a lesbian this time, and had kinda been kissing her most of the night, but I was definately getting the eye from her straight (yeah right) mate.

Now I did used to be a little generous with my kisses when I was younger, and the straight girl was hotter, so yet again, I had to take one for the team!

Like a lion, I had to separate the straight girl from her mates, and more importantly away from the lesbian girl I had been kissing.

So I announced I was going to the bar and did anyone want to help me, before the lesbian girl could say yes, her straight mate jumped up and said I will come, woo hoo the plan worked!

We did head towards the bar, via a dark corner, and the straight girl pounced on me!

Very good kisser she was too!

I think straight girls kiss lovely!

So after we had some kisses, we decided we better go back, but straight girl said she needed the toilet and would I go with her.

Innocently, I followed her to the toilet, yes innocently!

We get into the toilets, and she asks if i want to come in with her, now i dont mind sharing a toilet, I do it all the time with my mates, so I didn’t think anything of it.

Boy was I wrong…

Once she kicked the toilet door shut, she jumped on me, tugging at the belt on my jeans!

Now I know I sometimes act like nothing shocks me, but really I am quite shy, so I practically had a heart attack when she done this.

I mean c’mon, she was supposed to be straight!

So I managed to get out the toilet without having sex in it with her, god knows how, fate must have been on my side or something, because the lesbian girl I had been kissing earlier came in the toilets shouting for her mate.

We both walked out the same toilet, hair a mess, her lipstick all over my face and her friend didn’t look amused.

They had a screaming match about what had went on, I quietly tip-toed out the door and never seen either of them for the rest of the night.

I actually lost my jacket, because it was on the chairs beside where those two girls and their friends were sitting and I was too scared to go back and get it ha ha ha, told you I am a wimp!

That’s a jacket for the lesbian lost and found department of the Glasgow Gay Bars!

So you see, I think straight women seduce us lesbians and not the other way round!

But this blog post is really about seducing straight women, is it right or wrong?

Are straight women fair game for lesbians?

When I was discussing it with Brenna and Chrissie lately, they said they would totally try it on with a straight girl if they liked her.

Now they didn’t mean actively pursuing her!

What they meant was that if a straight woman came onto them, then they would go for it.

I suppose I have to agree.

But I just think that starting something with a straight woman opens a whole new can of worms, because she might decide she is a lesbian after all.

Then you have to go through the big thing of them dealing with being gay, coming out and all the other shit that comes with it.

I will personally stick with lesbians, who are out and have dealt with all their issues relating to being gay.

I have been with both types and that’s just personally my choice.

Would you go for it with a supposedly straight woman?

Let me know your comments below.

As always, stay gay!

Sally x

Table of contents for funny lesbian stories

1. Lesbian Women PMT, PMS and Period Symptoms
2. Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting
3. Lesbians - Buy a Dildo - Minus the Brass Neck!
4. Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand
5. Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites
6. Lesbian Women Faking Having Orgasms

Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting

Ok, hands up who is addicted to texting on their mobile phone.

Now I know for a fact this is one of the most famous lesbian traits, texting til the cows come home!

Texting is right up their with cheating, lies, gossoping and all the other stuff lesbians are known to do on a regular basis.

I have often been out and about, shopping or whatever, and I spot a girl who looks like a lesbian, now if I watch her for more than 5 minutes (My court order doesn’t allow me to watch girls for longer than that lol) I can guarantee that “miss might be a lesbian” will whip a mobile phone out the front pocket of her g-star jeans.

If you go to any lesbian bar in Glasgow, or the UK, or worldwide even, you will see groups of lesbians with their mobile phones out.

My friend Mags actually gets a bit annoyed at this and will promptly tell you, in a school teacher like tone, to put your phone away immediately!

It seems lesbians are obsessed or addicted to texting.

Now I am the first one to raise my hand and say yes, I am addicted to texting, just ask 02 and they will confirm that my phone is used solely for the purpose of texting.

The cool thing about 02 is that they give you your bill itemised with who you texted, but not only that, they actually tell you how many you sent too!

So it’s like a top ten of who you texted that month.

I am quite shocked that I do not have arthritis in my fingers yet or at least some sort of RSi (Repetitive Strain Injury) side effects!

I suppose it’s a good way to keep your fingers fast and strong!

Sometime ago I had been texting a girl who always took ages to reply, now this didn’t particulary bother me, but one day she said sorry for the late replies but her fingers were too fat for the keypad on her mobile phone.

Fingers like sausages springs to my mind!

After a few more texts I discovered she was a size 28, now I am all for big girls, and I truly believe there is someone for everyone, so her big size didn’t bother me… honest!

However, I accidently deleted her number from my phone and subsequently never heard from her again.

So the next time someone doesn’t reply instantly, remember there can be more than one reason for it!

There are actually different types of texters, and these do not apply to just lesbian mobile phone users, they apply to everyone, but I will point out that most “straight” people do not share this addiction to mobile phone use.

Ok, so first I will discuss the “Joke Texter”.

The joke texter will only ever send you joke texts, they never send you anything but jokes, not only that but they will send you 10 in a row at times.

Now this really pisses me off, I look at my phone, after all the vibrating, and think woooooooooo 10 new messages, only to see that they are all just stupid jokes.

Some of the jokes are funny, but most are shit, and my particular pet hate is the chain mail text messages, you know the ones…

Send this message onto 10 of your friends and you will get a surprise tonite, don’t and something bad will happen.

Well I tend to just delete those messages and nothing bad ever happens to me.

There are also the cruel, but mildly funny texts, you will have no doubt received one, where it looks like the person who sent it likes you more than just a friendly way i.e. they fancy you or something.

So your reading the text, believing it like a dick, then all of a sudden the punch line brings you back down to earth with a bang!

Cruel but funny too.

I often don’t fall for these texts, but I did once believe my friend Vicky was moving to France, I obviously didn’t press down to read all of the text message due to the shock.

She kept it going for 3 weeks, yes 3 whole bloody weeks, before someone else sent me the same text and I finally realised she was joking, witch!

The next type of mobile phone texter is the “Two-Worder”.

This person will only every reply to any of your texts with one or two words, typically yes or no.

This drives me craazzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy!

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like that is such a waste of a text!

C’mon people put a bit of effort into your texts, us lesbians depend on it!

Another type of texter is the “Story Teller”

Yep, every single text you receive from them will be a mini novel!

A gigantic 6 page text that is basically full of shit!

It’s takes you half an hour to read it!

Now I know I said I hate “two-word” texts, but in this case, reply with a two word text!

This will piss off the “story teller” so much they will stop sending you 6 page texts in the future.

Another type of texter is the “Abbreviator”.

You now what I mean right?

Instead of “laugh out loud” they use lol.

Instead of “about” they say abt.

Instead of “mate” they say m8.

Now there are literally millions of text abbreviations.

I am not saying its a bad thing, because it means you can squeeze more information into one text, however…

When you receive a text like this:

1DR IF MEGO WEN UR NIFOC ROTFLUTS

Seriously, texts like these take me a half an hour to figure out!

So please please don’t send me any!

I don’t understand them at all!

But for all you abbreviators I have compiled a pdf report which you can download and save below, and there are lots for you to play around with.

Download Text Message Abbreviations Here.

The next type of texter I will discuss is the “Ex Texter”.

This is of course your ex girlfriend, no matter how much you want her to leave you alone, you have told her often enough, she just wont give up.

She will plague you daily with text messages, sweet enquiring texts at first, that is until she realises your not interested, then her texts will become abusive and damn right rude!

You need a thick skin for these texts, you will literally be called every bad name under the sun!

If an ex wont leave you alone, do what I did and change your number, now I can hear all the lesbian excuses coming…

But everyone knows my number

I have had this number since I was 15.

It’s too much hassle changing it.

She should change her number not me!

They all add up to one thing, you are happy to let your ex text you!

Get some guts and get the number changed, it gets rid of her once and for all.

I always change my number when I want rid of a girl, it’s so much easier!

The girl at 02 actually knows me now, and says “oh dear sally, another one bites the dust eh!”.

She sounds lovely, has a sexy Irish accent, and I did ask for her number, but she politely refused !!!

02 did actually say they can’t keep changing my number for free anymore, so I am a little more careful who I give my number out to now!

Ok the next type of texter is the “Drunk Texter”.

This can also be applied to your “ex texter” as this is normally the time she will text you, when she is pissed and missing you even more!

Drunk texts normally don’t make a lot of sense, because the person is drunk!

They will be declaring something that they wouldn’t normally tell you sober.

I am a known drunk texter, although I am trying to stop it.

I once texted Jo that I was in Polo and Heather was holding my hand, ha ha ha, oh I cringe at sending that text and have been slagged for months about it!

Heather now has a lovely gf Kelly, so I don’t think she will be holding my hand again!

Drunk texters will also say they are staggering around somewhere lost, they don’t know where they are, this causes you to worry, and text back trying to help them.

But they will forget they sent that text and leave you thinking they are dead until they aplogise the next day and inform you they got home safe and fell asleep with a black pudding in their mouth!

The next type of texter is the “Delayed Repliers”.

You will text them, and three months later they will respond.

When you get the reply you wont even know what they are talking about and will more than likely have deleted their number from your phone!

Delayer repliers also tie in with “I’m Single Again Texters”…

I’m single again texters will only text you when they are single, whilst they are in a relationship they will quite happily never text you.

But the moment they are single again, they will hound you with texts.

You see now they have no gf, they need you again, they need you to help them find a new gf so they can stop texting you again!

These type of girls make me laugh, the texts will start quite casually, like “hi, how are you, not heard from you in ages”.

Then the next text will declare their new found single status!

It’s up to you if you want to keep friends like this, I tend not too.

Another type of texter is the “Psychic Texters”.

They will reply to your text faster than a wine drinking lesbian can get her knickers off!

You will literally press send message and before you can even put your phone down the person has replied.

It’s like they know your text is coming and what it’s about!

As you try to reply, your phone will receive more messages, because you are not doing it quick enough.

You will then have three different conversations going at once with the same person.

You better have a whole lot of credit or unlimited text messages to keep up with this texter.

The next type of texter is the “Gossip Hunter”.

Their sole purpose is to pump you for information for the latest gossip on the scene, they normally have a big juicy bit of gossip they want to share with you too.

Gossip text messages are kinda like chain texts, and get passed around much quicker.

These texts can be quite fun, but also have a dark side which can cause problems between friends and lovers, so be very careful of someone like this, you can bet if they are talking about everyone else that you are being talked about too.

Only share less important information with them, or live to regret it.

Next we have the “Moaning Texters”.

Nothing ever goes right for them.

Life sucks and they want you to know about it.

They basically want a shoulder to cry on and for you to give them advice.

They are always ill or sick.

They hate their job etc etc.

They just moan so bloody much it depresses you and you dread getting a text from them!

NEVER try to share your own problems with a moaner!

They are only interested in THEIR problems not yours!

Next we have the “Flirt Texter”

These people will text you for fun and flattery.

They are not actually interested in you, but they like to feel needed and wanted, and so long as you keep texting them back telling them what they want to hear, you have a friend for life.

Be warned, girlfriends do not like these types of texts and if yours or hers read them, you are both getting a severe ass kicking.

Flirty texts can be harmless, but sometimes they can also go too far, with one person feeling rejected, or the beginning of a new affair starting and many people being hurt.

Flirt at your peril!

And finally, we have the “Sex Texters”.

These are the type of texts that would make flowers wilt!

The type of texts that would give your poor old granny a heart attack if she read them!

Now I am all for a little rude text now and then, they can be very good for getting your girl in the mood about what’s going to happen that night!

There are of course two types of dirty text messages, text and photo.

Now if you are going to send half naked nude photos of yourself to someone’s phone, make sure you send it to the right number, and you trust the person you are sending it too.

Double check the number you are sending it too, don’t want your Mum or Dad seeing their little girl in a compromising position now do we.

And know the person you are sending picture messages to,  I know you might be all loved up, but if love goes sour, your semi-naked photos could be splashed all over the internet!

Dirty text messages are good but there is a time and place for them.

I remember Mel telling me her ex used to send her one at work everyday.

Mel would be sitting in work having breakfast, and in pops a dirty text about how her gf was rubbing her wet clit and waiting for her to get home (it was actually wayyyyy more descriptive than that, but too rude for the blog).

Talk about choking on your cornflakes!

Be tactful about sending dirty texts, just because you are all horned up doesn’t mean your chick is!

Test the water first, be gentle, don’t just dive right in there!!!

Ok so I think that’s about all the type of lesbian texters I know just now.

Which one are you?

I think I have been all of them at some point or another in my life!

Now I have a added a little list below and if you can say yes to at least 3 of the statements then you are a fully fledged member of the Lesbian Addicitive Texters:

Your mobile phone is on your person at all times ie. you even take it to the toilet with you!

Your mobile phone on 24hrs a day 7 days a week ie. it’s never turned off

Your almost have a heart attack if anyone dares to look at your phone.

Your mobile phone is almost always on vibrate.

You text at work when your not allowed to.

People have commented on how much you use your mobile phone.

You have gotten into trouble for using your phone too much.

You text whilst driving, that’s illegal you know!

If you accidently left your phone at home, you would have to go back and get it.

The buttons on your mobile phone keypad have worn away.

You can text without looking at your phone, or in the dark.

You have got out of your bath to look at a new text message received!

If you can say yes to three of more of the above, then your totally addicted to texting!

If you know of any other types of texters that I have not mentioned feel free to comment below.

Well that’s all from me this week, so stay gay and I shall see you soon ladies.

Sally xxx

It’s over, let the lesbian mind games begin…

Ok ladies,

So we know the scenario oh so well, the beautiful relationship has ended!

Yes that’s right…

You are not going to be with them forever.

You are not going to move in with them.

You are not going to take them to your sister’s wedding.

You are not going to take them to your brother’s baby’s christening.

You are not going to pass go, you are not collecting £200!!!

But what you are going to do is start the lesbian ex race…

So what is the lesbian ex race exactly then?

Basically you are going to try and get a new gf before your old girlfriend does.

Now it can’t just be any old lesbian!

She has to be hot, hotter than your ex girlfriend (don’t blame me I didn’t make up da rules!)

Now I am going to tell you exactly what will happen, so move your highlighted hair from over one eye and read this…

SHE WILL GET A HOT GIRLFRIEND BEFORE YOU!

Yes, I am sorry, but it’s gonna happen.

The thing that you don’t know is that only you think she is hotter than YOU!

You see, your insecurities, whatever makes you think it, are wrong.

Your head is just a mess, but if you asked your friends, they would tell you that you are actually hotter than the new girlfriend.

Still following me?

No, well get that mad hair out the way of your eyes then!

I can honestly say, that over the past few months, three girls have said to me that they were gutted that their ex gf’s had new lesbian partners, who were hotter than them.

WRONG!

And do you know what is even funnier, the statistics…

You see 83% of rebound relationships don’t work out.

Yes, only 17% of rebound relationships work out.

This means that you really shouldn’t worry, in fact, you should laugh.

That’s right, laugh at your ex, because she is in for a bumpy ride!

LAUGH YOUR ASS OF RIGHT NOW!!!

So whilst you are gutted, you actually have the upper hand, she is going to have go through a whole loads of issues, but you are not.

That’s why you should not even enter the race, just let her win!

Life is too short, she dumped you, you dumped her, who cares, tbh (to be honest) it didn’t work out, some things are just not meant to be, sometimes opposites do not attract, sometimes people are too alike, it’s just one of those things.

All you can do is try and move on, learn from the mistakes, and try not to make them a second time.

I remember when Emma told me she had a new gf.

Now it wasn’t just a new gf, it was of course a HOT NEW GIRLFRIEND!

Hotter than me, hard to believe I know!

But hey, Emma thought her new gf was hotter than me so I guess that’s the main thing.

Anyway, so Emma is all loved up with “whatshername” and telling me the sex is wayyyyyyyyy better than with me, how rude!

She even went so far as to say listen to the lyrics of “your sex is on fire” by some group, can’t remember who.

That hurt me actually, it did, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

To make matters worse, the very next day, Linda adds “sex on fire” to her bebo profile tut!!!

Isn’t it funny how songs remind you of things that happened in your life or people.

For example:

Margo = Sex Bomb - Tom Jones…

Anytime I pull a girl Margo sings sex bomb to me, she is like my best bud and I love her to bits!

Brenna = Promise - Girls Aloud

This was the first time I heard this song and I loved it, but it had an element of sadness to it as well, if you are a black pudding avoid this girl at all costs, you have been warned!

Linda = Sex On Fire

Totally hated the song for the above reasons, was so so glad when it was replaced with another.

Nicky = Love At First Sight - Kylie Minogue

Watched Nicky and Steph dance to this one night in Polo, have a video of it, very funny, great night out actually.

Jo = Pokerface - Lady Gaga

Another fab night out, where Jo Jo proceeded to try and poke everyone, in the face!

Lynne = ANY BRITNEY

Just love Lynney and Britney, and anytime I hear Britney it makes me think of Lynne cos she loves Britney almost as much as I do.

Gillian = Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson

Gillian sang this in my car, on the way to Glasgow one night and every time I hear it, I think of her.

Can’t really think of anymore right now, but you get what I am saying right?

Songs remind you of people, of things that have happened in your life.

I totally went off-track with what I was talking about, but I was gutted about Emma’s new hot sex life with “whatshername”.

ANYWAY….

Just like the statistics proved, the rebound went pear-shaped and she came back begging…

HELL NO!

Not a chance in hell I was taking her back, she won the ex race, but I won in the end.

I got over her, not completely, but almost 100%.

Don’t worry if your ex gets a new hot gf, I honestly don’t believe they are happy anyway, they are just trying to numb the pain of losing you.

Even if they dumped you, I am telling you right now, there are things they miss about you, no relationship is ever the same, and you have left a lasting impression on them, be it good or bad.

But do you really care what they think about you?

Do you really want to live your life thinking about them?

Brenna said to me tonite…

“Do you really want to live your life worried in case you meet your ex?”

And no, I don’t.

So I refuse to live a life of fear, and I totally refuse to participate in the ex race.

Maybe this blog post has been a rant and a rave, maybe you totally disagree, but it’s simply my thoughts.

Feel free to leave any comments below…

Stay GAY!

Sally x

Table of contents for Drunk Lesbians

1. Glasgow Lesbians Loose in Dels, FHQ and Polo…
2. Drunken Glasgow Lesbians Do The Lost and Found
3. Lesbians, Do You Seduce Straight Women?

Hello Lesbians!

Just a quickie this week because we all know that lesbians love a quickie!

This week I would like you to tell me, using the comments box below, if you are a LOST or FOUND lesbian…

YOU CAN ALSO WIN A PRIZE SO READ ON…

You see, I have recently been the victim of a drunken night out where I lost my “poof” bag, as my best buddy Margo calls it, (she can call it anything she wants cos she bought me it at the Trafford Centre in Manchester).

Now, luckily, I only had a cd inside the bag (Kelly Clarkson’s new one) that I had bought Lee-Anne, tbh (to be honest) I was freaking out a little bit about giving her the cd because it’s called “All I Ever Wanted” and I didn’t want her taking that the wrong way obviously!

But anyway, I lost my bag, so I guess I come under the LOST lesbian category.

You cannot call yourself a lost lesbian, if it has only happened once!

It has to be on at least 3 occasions that you have lost something personal, and no Steph losing your virginity does not count, we have all lost that drunk!

So here is a quick list of things I have lost when I have been out and seriously under the influence of alcohol (namely blue sourz shots, which I cannot handle at all):

My house keys.

My bank card.

My credit card.

My Driving Licence.

My Jacket.

My Ring.

An ear-ring (yes just the one!)

A contact lense (again just the one)

A girlfriend (lost that because I was pissed and made a dick of myself)

Cigarette Lighter (numerous!)

Cigarettes! (too many too mention)

Inhalator(s) (when I stopped smoking)

Money (I dread to think how much!!!)

My Appetite!

Yes, for some unknown reason I always lose my appetite when I start to drink but it miraculously returns at the end of the evening when I proceed to stuff my face at the nearest subway with a 6inch steak and cheese baguette!

Maybe that’s why I never LOSE WEIGHT!!!

Although Steph has promised to take to me to noodle bar on the way home, once she gets over current black pudding fetish of course!

And I think that’s about all the things I have lost!

You will notice that I have never lost my mobile phone, not once!

That’s probably because it’s stuck to my ear or hand whenever I am out, and no matter how drunk I get I never lose it but…

I have lost my sim card…

One time I dropped my phone and it fell apart (stinking cheap nokia mobiles), and I thought I picked everything up.

But…

it was dark, so I couldn’t see the sim card lying on the ground.

So I obviously lost all my photos, contacts etc etc, gutted or what!

There have been so many occasions when I have texted my friends and received a “who is this” text back because they have lost their phone and all their contacts.

At first I was suspicious that they were just deleting me out their phone, how rude!

But on seeing the state they get in, and knowing, yes they do actually lose their phones I am no longer paranoid that they are trying to get rid of me.

But I think, considering all the times I have been drunk, not losing my mobile phone is quite a magnificent thing on my part!

I actually did lose BOTH my virginities (not sure how to spell that!) when I was drunk though.

The Straight Cherry Pops …

The straight virginity was lost to Boy I had been seeing from the Navy when I was 19.

The Lesbian Cherry Pops …

The lesbian virginity was lost to some girl in a Bed & Breakfast when I was 29.

The experience with the boy was rubbish, and I recall watching his digital alarm clock, on top of his tv, throughout the whole experience.

After what seemed like an eternity, I asked him to stop, he asked why, I replied “cos it’s shit”.

Goes without saying we finished the next day and I never saw him again, thankfully.

The lesbian virginity was much more pleasurable, and although I am not with her anymore, I will always be thankful for that experience.

Ok, so back to losing stuff when your drunk…

A girl I know, Heather (Hot Heather I like to call her) got a lovely shiny new camera from her chick at the time, for her birthday.

She then proceeded to lose it that night when she was pissed.

Good one Heather!

Mental Note: Never buy Heather any expensive gifts, unless it’s sexy underwear, she can lose that if she wants!

Speaking of Heather’s chick, ex-chick, not sure, I remember someone telling me she lost a shoe or shoes when she was out.

Now that’s just brilliant I think!

How classic is losing your shoes ha ha ha, makes me laugh anyway.

So I was just wondering what other weird and wonderful things any of you lot have lost?

Go on, make me laugh, you know you wanna…

Simply leave a comment below, telling me what you have lost when you have been out, and I will of course leave you a reply.

The comment that makes me laugh the most wins a copy of Kelly Clarkson’s New Album, All I Ever Wanted, but only if I find my lost bag!

OR IF YOU ARE A “FOUND” LESBIAN TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE FOUND WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN OUT AND ABOUT!

I have never found nothing, well that’s a lie, I have found quite a few girlies lips when I have been drunk!

But because we are all losing these things, then I know someone must be finding them, so if you have found something really fab when you have been out, let me know about it to!

And if it’s my bag I want it back plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I am actually considering just following drunken lesbians around town (like I don’t already) and simply picking up everything they drop then selling it on Ebay, I think I would be a millionaire in no time at all.

In fact, if I just follow Heather about then she alone could make me a millionaire!

It might also be a good idea to visit any lesbian pubs on a Sunday and ask to see the lost and found area!

You could get loads of stuff, mobile phones, cameras, jackets, bags etc because anytime my mates lose anything, they never have the brass neck to go ask if anyone has handed it in.

So there are all these lost and found items unclaimed!

I remember I once lost my Dad’s camera, I actually did phone the Taxi company and they said sure come on up to our office.

Once I got there I was taken to a room with a table full of digital cameras, loads better than my Dad’s and for half a second I was seriously tempted to grab a better camera!

But my Dad would have killed me!

So I had to grab his old cheap one off the table and give it back to him!

It’s amazing what people lose, I googled the term and here are some items that have been lost, and surprisingly never claimed!

A Wooden Leg

Prosthetic Arm

Vibrator (Was Not Mine!)

Glass Eye (Blue)

Used Condom (I think someone actually meant to throw that away!)

and some False Teeth !

The list is endless!

So c’mon girlies tell me what items you have lost OR found…

Sally x

Table of contents for funny lesbian stories

1. Lesbian Women PMT, PMS and Period Symptoms
2. Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting
3. Lesbians - Buy a Dildo - Minus the Brass Neck!
4. Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand
5. Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites
6. Lesbian Women Faking Having Orgasms

Hello Lesbians!

This week’s blog post is a little late, because my attention is elsewhere at the moment, but we wont go into that right now!

Although I share lots of my lesbian experiences with you, I do actually have to keep some stuff to myself.

Ok, so this week I am talking to you about buying a dildo / vibrator / sex toy, whatever you like to call it.

I was actually looking online last week for buying a dildo, which made me recall the first time I bought one which I will tell you about a little later on…

But last week I found the new Nexus G-Rider (Vibrating Female G-Spot Finder)

PHEW!

Trying saying that when your drunk!

It looks fab actually but it’s quite pricey, so if anyone buys one, let me know if it’s good, or buy me one and I will blog a review of the Nexus G-Rider (Vibrating Female G-Spot Finder).

So why was I online looking to buy a dildo, erm, cough cough, for Margo my dirty mate!

Anyway, I really do wish I had discovered that you can buy a dildo online about 5 years ago, because I actually had to get a severe brass neck, burning red cheeks and total feeling of humiliation when I bought mine in a shop in Bolton.

The shop which was aptly named “Softies” (I guess this refers to a limp man’s penis, ewwwwwwwww) was on a busy street in Bolton Town Centre, where my lovely (NOT) ex Emma lives.

Actually I think it’s time I stopped calling Emma a witch, bitch, cheating, lying, dirty skanky, horrible cow anymore!

Someone said to me the other week, I really can’t remember who, I think it was Elaine, that all this hate must mean I still care, so I am letting go of the hate to show I really don’t care about her anymore.

So, we are sitting in the car, and we are deciding who should brave it, and buy the dildo out the shop, it of course turns into an argument because we want the dildo, but neither wants to go in and buy it.

After about ten minutes, and Emma falling out with me, I have to go to the shop to buy it, her reasoning was that because I didn’t live in Bolton I wouldn’t know anyone in the shop, I kinda agree with that, so I head out the car and over to “Softies”.

I glance over at the car to see Emma in stitches, rolling about laughing at me, I am not amused though.

The street is quite empty, thankfully, that is until I hear a constant beep…

It’s the Green Man on the pedestrian crossing, about a hundred people run across the road just as I reach the Porn Shop.

I of course do an about-turn and walk away from the Porn Shop, I am not going in when everyone can see me doing it, strangers or not!

I walk back over to the car but Emma has locked the door and wont let me back in until I go get the Dildo, bloody women!

I quickly walk over to the shop and wrestle about with the door handle, it simply won’t budge, not only that but out the corner of my eye I see a nun walking up the street.

Seriously, a nun!

I am desperately trying to pull or push the door to the porn shop open whilst noticing out the corner of my eye that the nun is fast approaching.

Just as the nun reaches me I notice it’s not a nun but a girl with black hair and a white hairband, thank fuck for that!

It’s only then that I notice a big gigantic sign saying entrance at rear of shop, I guess in the panic I didn’t see the 3 foot writing on the door!

So I walk back up the hill and down an alley towards the back of the shops, I wonder how I will know which one is “Softies” but it’s obviously the black door with the 3 red XXX’s on it.

I push the door open and walk through some cheap and nasty red plastic strips, and I am in a very very dark shop, it’s actually kinda creepy.

A big man shouts to me “Can I help you love?”, I reply “No thanks I am just looking”.

I’m Just Looking I’m Not Buying…

God why did I reply that, just looking at what all the dildos, anal butt plugs, blow up dolls or gimp masks???

I am trying not to look anywhere if I am honest, not letting my eyes rest on any item too long for fear of anyone thinking I am trying to buy it.

Once I calm down a little, I realise I am the only one in the shop, my phone beeps, Emma has texted asking have I bought one yet…give me time!

I notice that the vibrators are behind the counter, oh great!

I walk over and ask the man behind the counter, who reminds me of the guy who sells the comics in the Comic Shop in Simpsons, how much the vibrators are.

I mean they don’t even have prices on them for god sake, talk about making buying one even harder.

He asks what type I want.

How the hell would I know, my phone beeps again, Emma is telling me to hurry up.

The guy proceeds to tell me the different types of vibrator as my face starts to burn and turn redder and redder thank god it’s dark in here.

He tells me there are plain ones, black ones, ribbed ones, veined ones for realistic effect etc etc.

He still doesn’t tell me the price of any though.

He then shows me some examples starting with a big 12 inch black one, then a funny shaped bent one, a doubled ended one and a glass one (wouldn’t that be like dangerous or something?).

I dont want a realistic one, just a plain one please.

Ok, now he asks what size, 6 inch or 10 inch, just gimme the 6 inch one please (did I actually say please!).

A plain, white, six inch dildo is all I want, I actually don’t even care about the price now, I just want to get out this creepy shop.

“Do you need batteries?”

Oh for fuck sake, just fling the bloody thing in a bag for me!!!

I am almost blinded by sunlight as the door swings open and a nice looking young couple come in, dear god get the dildo in a bag now!

They walk straight over to the counter and stand behind me, I am mortified now, they ask the guy if he sells poppers.

“Sure he says, just let me serve this girl first”.

Please, please, PLEASE don’t let them see me buying a vibrator!

“We have a special offer on vibrators today, you get a free gift of a finger sized vibrator, do you want one?”

He looks at me, the couple look at me, I look at the floor and nod my head.

The guy gets me the finger vibrator, puts it all in a bag and hands me it.

I throw some money at him, wait for the change and leave.

This was the worst experience of my life, I will never buy a vibrator out of a shop again.

I walk over to the car and when Emma sees my face she bursts out laughing again, and I laugh as well, I think its the sheer relief of being out of that shop and I now have a shiny new vibrator too!

That vibrator gave us lots of fun times actually, but the best time was the first time Emma used it as I was driving back to Glasgow.

I can still picture her sat in the passenger seat of my car, thong and combats at her ankles using the vibrator as I drove up the M6.

Yes! The brass neck was worth it just to see that.

Now remember ladies, such a sight can be very off-putting when you are driving so I do not suggest you try this out yourself!.

I would also like to mention that the free finger vibrator, was utter shit, and you would be better off buying an electric toothbrush because it seriously has more power!

The next time we decided to buy some toys, we shopped online, so much simplier and easier, I cant remember the site we used but all sites seem to be roughly the same.

You get your “stuff” delivered within around 24-48 hrs, and in plain packaging so there is no way anyone will know what you have bought.

I would suggest you pay by credit card, because getting a refund by cheque is not good, think about it, do you want to go into your bank to pay in a refund cheque from “Brutal Dildos”, I think not!

Before I go I will quickly tell you the story of when we had a strap-on, I bought it online and then took it down to Bolton with me one weekend as a surprise for Emma.

I whipped out the strap on…

We got to the Bed and Breakfast and I whipped out the strap-on, out my bag not my trousers!

Actually it was massive to be honest and I had ordered the smallest one they had too.

So we had a laugh and a giggle with it, but never really done anything serious with it, left it on the bed and headed into Bolton Town Centre for some shopping etc.

We got back to the room and I instantly thought, hey this room looks really clean!

The lady who owned the B and B had obviously tidied up when we had been out.

I immediately remember the king kong sized strap on, my eyes wandered over to the bed, where we had left it, it was gone.

Oh no, where is King Kong?

The lady had actually put it back in my hold-all, I swear to god she actually put it back in my bag!

Of course when it came to checking out of the room and paying, guess who had to do it, after 10 minutes of arguing etc etc.

Yes, stupid me again!

What’s even more stupid is that the lady slipped me her mobile number, ha ha nah she didn’t!

Would have been a good end to the story though eh!

All my life I grew up with my Mum telling me to put my toys away, I should have listened.

This is Sally, signing off x

Table of contents for funny lesbian stories

1. Lesbian Women PMT, PMS and Period Symptoms
2. Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting
3. Lesbians - Buy a Dildo - Minus the Brass Neck!
4. Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand
5. Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites
6. Lesbian Women Faking Having Orgasms

“Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand”

Hello Lovely Lesbians,

Ok, so what exactly is a one night stand…

By definition, a one-night stand has no past, no future and a limited present.

So you basically have sex with a person, female in this case, and never see them again or intend to have any sort of relationship with them.

Sounds great eh!

Lots of Lesbian Sex with no strings woohoo!

Erm well, nah it’s not really.

I have had a few one night stands and all of them, except one, were kinda shit to be honest.

A one night stand is often referred to as “empty sex” and it’s exactly that in my opinion.

There is no loving sweet feeling afterward, no connection, no warm glow, there is simply an emptiness inside you.

Don’t get me wrong, some people may love one night stands, but after a few, I couldn’t be bothered with them and I would never have a one night stand again.

I can say never, because I have been in a drunken state, in bed with a girl many times and never ever slept with them.

A year or so ago I would have “done the deed” but not now, I think maybe I have finally grown up, faint!

So because I have had a few one night stands, I have a little survival guide for those of you lesbians who still want some no strings, empty sex!

First I will tell you…

“How to choose your ideal lesbian one night stand”

Ok, you should never have a lesbian one night stand with:

A friend

A friend of a friend

A workmate

An ex

An ex of your friend

Put it this way, you do not want to shag any lesbian who you will be forced to see time and time again, remember a one night stand is for one night only, then you never EVER want to see that lesbian again!

Never ever shag a barmaid at your local gay bar, or worst still one of the bouncers, if you regularly drink at their place of work then you will risk seeing them all the time, and if they take rejection badly then you could be “barred” from your favourite drinking hole, pardon the pun!

“Selecting Your Ideal Lesbian”

You MUST select that lucky lesbian very carefully, or expect to have the awkward bumping into them at almost every opportunity.

Remember, you may have been wearing several pairs of beer goggles on that eventful night and although you remember a “hottie” she is more likely a “nottie”.

Out of sight, out of mind is always the better option.

If you follow the famous saying “never shit on your own doorstep” when choosing your lesbian one night stand then you shall remain safe and free of any “dyke drama”.

Ideally you want a decent looking, single lesbian who is up for a bit of fun, she understands what she is letting herself in for, and is not looking for any more from you.

Ok, so you have chosen that lucky lesbian lady, and your ready to dive into bed, hold on hot stuff!

There are a few simple things you must know before you remove your underwear…

Rule 1 - Your Place Or Her’s?

ALWAYS HERS!

Never, ever, EVER take her back to your own place, you do not want a one night stand to know your home address.

If you are simply staying at a hotel that night then that’s ok, but never EVER take her back to your place.

If she knows where you live, and believe me some drunk girls have a photographic memory even if they can’t walk straight!

She can easily turn up on your doorstep the following day, week or month later.

Do you like surprises?

No?

Well don’t ever take a one night stand back to your place, always go back to her place.

If you cannot go back to her place, ditch her and find another suitable lesbian to have your wicked way with, there are plenty of desperate girls out there so you can afford to be picky.

I remember I once made the mistake of taking a girl back to my house and she was a nightmare to get rid of.

At least if you are at the girl’s house you can leave, but trying to get rid of a lesbian out of your own house is really hard.

It took two bacon sandwiches, a can of Irn-Bru and 3 episodes of the L Word before I could get that girl out my house, never again!!!

But hey, on the bright side, you can’t say I don’t treat my one night stands like a princess though eh!

Rule 2 - Who Pays The Taxi?

ALWAYS HER!

She should always pay for the taxi to her place.

After all she is getting to have sex with YOU!

She couldn’t possibly expect you to pay after you are being so kind as to shag her.

The other reason for letting your lesbian one night stand pay for the taxi is because you need to keep your own money for the get-away taxi after the lesbian sex remember!

So you don’t appear too mean or selfish you could offer to phone the taxi.

This is obviously so you know the address of where you are going to, again this allows you to make that quick get-away later.

A few quick points before you set off to her place:

Find out if she lives alone, you don’t want some husband to be waiting to watch you both have sex when you get there!

Or worst still, you don’t want to be forced to meet her parents before you both run upstairs to her bedroom for some random sex!

I would always say try to choose a girl who lives alone, it’s much easier that way.

Once you have established the girl lives alone, phone the taxi and remember her address.

After you phone the taxi put your phone on vibrate, set your alarm for early morning and then turn off your mobile phone, this may sound a little silly, but all shall be revealed later in this post!

Before you leave it is also a good idea to tell someone where you are going, but I am not going into all that, you are a big girl and I am sure you know the dangers of shagging strangers!

Rule 3 - Taking Off Your Clothes

Ok, so I know you are dying to get your kit off and dive right in between the girl, I mean the sheets!

But wait…

Once you enter the house I want you to notice how the door closes.

This will be VERY important for your get-away.

If the door just pulls shut that’s great, but if she locks it with a key, you need to watch where she puts that key after she locks the door!

Ok sex bomb, you can go to her bedroom now and have some fun…

Once you are in the love nest you cannot just randomly rip all your clothes off and throw them here, there and everywhere.

This will completely ruin your quick get-away later!

You have to place your clothes together, you do not want to be stumbling around in the dark later looking for your knickers or your left sock!

Worst still, if you fall asleep and don’t get away after the lesbian sex, you will have to walk around a stranger’s room naked looking for your clothes in broad daylight, not a pretty sight!

Now I am not saying you have to fold all your clothes like a clothes shop assistant!

Just throw them all in a pile together so you don’t need to hunt anything down.

This also prevents leaving anything behind which I will talk about a little later on, just trust me ok!

Rule 4 - Which Side Of The Bed?

Now I know that you will be throwing each other all over the bed, but you have to decide on a side of the bed to make your get-away easier.

After the sex you will carefully, without causing any suspicion, navigate to your chosen side of the bed.

The side of the bed you will choose is the side nearest the door.

This is particularly important if one side of the bed is up against a wall.

If one side is beside the wall make sure you choose the side not against the wall so you will not have to climb over your conquest to make great your escape.

Plus when climbing over your new lesbian lover, you do not want to get caught midway over her, and pulled down on top of her for round 2 of your random sex!

Choose the side near the door and all shall be well.

If you do get caught trying to sneak out of the bed, speak softly and quietly saying you are going to the toilet.

If you are lucky she may just fall back asleep then you can sneak your clothes into the toilet, get dressed and get the fuck out of there!

If she doesn’t fall asleep then your fucked ha ha, well no your not because I will explain a few get-away excuses later on to save your skin.

Rule 5 - Your Mobile Phone

Your mobile phone can be your best friend or your worst enemy when it comes to a one night stand.

Every lesbian has a mobile phone nowadays, god if you go to any local gay bars you will see them all sitting with their mobile phones texting or phoning constantly!

I am exactly the same as them, I love my mobile phone and would be totally lost without it.

Ok, so your mobile phone can be your best friend in a one night stand because of what I told you to do earlier, just after you have phoned the taxi to go to your sordid one night stand with the sexy lesbian!

You do remember what I said?

Don’t go scrolling back up now, you should remember!

I said after you phone the taxi you should:

Put your phone on vibrate.

Set your alarm for the morning.

Switch it off.

So you put it on vibrate so that the alarm you set doesn’t wake the sleeping lesbian beauty beside you in the morning.

You set the alarm for the morning because you obviously may fall asleep through being drunk or sheer tiredness from all the mad hot lesbian sex, but you still want to get away before she wakes up.

The reason you turn the phone OFF is in case she asks for your mobile number, you simply say you don’t know it off by heart, but if she gives you her number you promise to call, yeah right!

If you forget to turn off your phone then you are going to have to hand over your mobile number, but don’t worry we have another trick up our sleeves for this.

The excuse of I don’t know my number wont work.

Lesbians are getting very devious now!

She will simply tell you to dial her mobile and she can get your number that way.

Although you could of course try the “I have no credit” line which you may get away with, you could back this claim up by saying you used the last of your credit to call the taxi!

I have noticed that many lesbians are actually mobile phone experts, some of them will even know how to work your phone better than you do.

I remember once saying I didn’t know my mobile phone number, and I didn’t have any credit phew!

NO SUCH LUCK!

She said “it’s ok, I know how to get your number”…

Snatched my mobile phone off me, whizzed through the menus and found my number in there!

Tut, I was gutted to say the least!

To be safe, just turn the phone off and say your battery died, then simply get her number on a piece of paper, that you will of course accidently but conveniently lose later.

You could also simply give her the wrong number, but this can be a risky business, a girl will often check the number you have given her.

She may send you a text when your standing there, or ring the number you gave her,  so if you have to give her your number, do it when she cannot do any of the above or you will be caught out.

My mate Jo recently suggested changing the second last digit of your mobile phone number, so let’s say that it ends in 525 you tell her it ends in 515.

Then if you bump into her later and she accuses you of giving her a wrong number, you can ask “what number do you have for me? does it end in 525?”

She will of course say “no, 515″

And you say “ah right that’s what’s wrong then!”

She can then amend the last 3 digits to 525.

This really wont matter, because the rest of the number is wrong too anyway, close shave, just make sure you never bump into her again!

Thanks for that tip Jo Jo, I was a bit drunk when you told me that tip, but hopefully I remembered it right.

I was out with Nicky, Jo and Steph that night, Nicky and Steph told me a “tip” too but they were rubbish.

Nicky said to make the guy pay for the taxi, which doesn’t help lesbians on one night stands!

And Steph just muttered don’t go Polo, god knows what she meant by that!

Rule 6 - The Get-Away!

Ok, so you have had your wicked way with her, the empty sex has been had, it’s time to ditch this random and get out of there safely!

The top tip here is to be very very quiet.

You do not want to wake her.

If you are truly brave you can leave right after the sex, just say thanks and leave, this is a kinda “cruel to be kind” method which may result in her reacting very badly, you have been warned!

Mostly, you will have been so drunk / tired that you will fall asleep, this is where that vibrating mobile phone alarm will come in handy, it should wake you but not her.

Again you will be on the side of the bed nearest the door, so you don’t have to climb over sleeping beauty who has now, in the daylight changed into Quasimodo!

Your clothes will be in a neat-ish pile on the floor, if you have done this you can get dressed swiftly.

If you have just flung your clothes anywhere, you will be searching for knickers, socks, bank card, mobile, keys or any of your possessions!

Never throw your clothes off, you can lose things and need to return for them if they are important.

Getting away from a one night stand is like a prison break, you don’t want to go back for anything, make sure you get all your valuables!

Ok, so you should have your clothes on, your valuables and you should remember her address from when you phoned the taxi to her place the night before.

If you cannot remember the address, here is a top tip from Gillian that she told me a long time ago, look for a letter in the house, one that has been posted to them, then get the address from that, golden tip eh!

Now remember before you took your clothes off and went to her bedroom I asked you to remember how she locked the door?

Well I did tell you to remember!

If you were paying attention, you will remember I said:

Once you enter the house I want you to notice how the door closes, this will be important for your get-away, if the door just pulls shut that’s great, but if she locks it with a key, you need to watch where she puts that key after she locks the door!

If the door just pulled shut, go open it and get out of there now, you have safely survived a lesbian one night stand, well done!

If the door locked with a key, go get the key, open the door and get out of there now, you have safely survived a lesbian one night stand, well done!

Rule 7 - You Failed To Escape But All Is Not Lost!

If you did not pay attention…

You cannot not pass “GO”

You cannot not collect “£200″

You go get your dumb ass back to the bedroom, wake up Quasimodo and ask her to let you out!

If you can’t get out of the house, don’t despair, there are a few options you can try:

Tell her you have your period and need to go to the shops for tampax.  She may say she has some in the toilet, but just say you cant use that type etc etc.

Saying you are on your period serves two purposes here:

a) you can not have sex with her again

b) you need to leave the house to go buy some lady products!

You can always promise to return after you have been to the shops, of course we both know you wont!

If you do bump into this girl again, simply say you got lost trying to find her house again after you went the shops so you just went home.

Basically, you have to find any excuse under the sun to get out of that house.

You could text a friend and ask them to phone you asap, then after they have phoned you simply make up a story to Quasimodo which results in you having to leave immediately.

You could lie and say you have to go to work.

There are a millions lies or excuses you can tell her just so you can leave her house.

But if you followed my above rules and tips there should be no need for any awkwardness!

You should be able to slip in and out before she even notices you are gone!

I would just like to say that I have personally never used any of the above techniques lol.

Again this post was written in jest, and was not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings in anyway.

I am sure all you lesbian players know much better rules for escaping one night stands, so feel free to post them in the comments below.

This is Sally signing off x

Ok, so as you start to build up your social media network online aka (also know as) Bebo, Facebook and MySpace amongst others, you will be haunted by your past.

Yep, school friends, ex’s and family members will track you down.

Is this good?

Well I suppose it is good if you are looking to find your lost love.

If you are not out, or didn’t come out then maybe it’s not a great idea.

My own bebo could be called a lesbian bebo account, why?

Well it’s riddled with lesbians!

I had not even heard of bebo until I met Margo, Jo and Nicky.

Then I had my very own bebo account, not a lesbian bebo account, just a bebo account.

However, it has now grown into some sort of lesbian bebo group, all my mates, well most, are lesbian on bebo.

Is it only lesbians who use Bebo?

Nope.

But it seems, the only ones on my bebo are lesbians.

It’s quite strange because lately many of my school friends have tracked me down on bebo, of course none of them know I am or was a lesbian, because I did not come out until I was 29.

This obviously means I did not come out at school.

In fact, if I was to be completely honest, I didn’t even know I was gay or lesbian when I was at school, I did have the urge to swing the other way, but I also totally loved boys.

Yes, I am sorry I said it, but I did!

I remember collecting 16 packets of “Hula Hoops” just to get a free Nik Kershaw t-shirt.

Near a tree by a river there’s a hole in the ground… (my fav Nik song)

Thing was, when I sent my empty packets away, they sent me a “Wham” t-shirt cos there was no Nik Kershaw t-shirts left!

Tut…Story of my life!

So back to bebo, I think it’s hilarious that my old friends hunt me down, add me as a friend, discover my big gay lesbian bebo and never talk to me again!

How cool or un-cool is that?

I mean seriously, they take the time to find me, discover I am a lesbo and they ignore me!

Maybe you were all dogs???

Maybe, just maybe, the reason it took me so long to come out was the fact that you were all dogs!

Yes, maybe I was gay or lesbian way back then but all my school mates were just ugly skanky cows who I would never fancy anyway!

Let’s think about it, did I ever try and kiss any of you?

NOPE!

Well that says it all eh!

But I will just say that even though I didn’t fancy any of you lot at school, one of you did give me my first lesbian kiss.

As you know, I never say the person’s name, but it was Heather!

Yes, I remember that fateful night in the “Under 18’s Rumours” even if you don’t!

And can I just say that your kiss was way too wet and you used your tongue too much !!!

I keep rambling again but c’mon now…

I’m sorry, is lesbianism infectious again?

Can you catch being a lesbian through the pc?

Or are these people still living in the past or what???

When I first came out to my little sister Susan she reacted very badly.

In fact I remember her saying “please no, not my sister”.

I got called every bad name you can imagine, but she got over it, she doesn’t even care now that I am lesbian.

Now I am telling you, if Susan can accept I am gay, and be ok with it, then anyone can!

Even my homophobic dad, whose favourite phrases where “shirt lifter” and “jobby jabber” accepted I was gay and told me it didn’t matter that I was a lesbian, and that he accepted who I was and still loved me.

So seriously, anyone should be able to accept who or what you are.

When will people realise that you are no different just because you happen to find the same sex attractive?

When will people realise that just because you are the same sex and I am lesbian I will want to fuck you?

I am NOT going to jump on you unless you look like Britney, Joey or Buffy!

We might be gay but we still have taste!

The world is changing, gay is becoming more acceptable, as it very well should be.

I even have to put up with anti-lesbian comments at work too, I am not “out” to everyone at work yet, because I have not been there that long.

The other week one of the Seniors’ was escorting some Day Care Clients into the Christmas Party, a resident’s daughter was in front of her, and I went to move past the daughter and the Senior said to me…

“Don’t get too close to her, she’s a lesbian”.

How rude!

So I said to her “I’m a Lesbian” to which she burst out laughing and said “Yeah, good one!”.

After telling her 5 times that I wasn’t joking, she looked at me in shock as she finally believed me.

“But you don’t look like a lesbian?”

Typical response to telling people your gay, I mean if you don’t look like some big fat, short haired butch woman, then apparently you can’t be a lesbian.

Whenever I tell someone I am gay they always always ALWAYS ask the same next question…

“How can you be gay you have a daughter?”

Again, are only straight people allowed to have kids, god don’t some people ask really dumb questions and have really stupid views about gay people.

I was quite disappointed with the Senior who said those comments about the Resident’s lesbian daughter, because I liked that Senior.

Ok, ok, ok so I liked her because I fancied her a little bit!

She did apologise for saying what she did but if I had not told her I was a lesbian, there would have been no apology at all.

So again in work, a few weeks ago, another 2 workers were talking about lesbians.

A different Senior was joking to another member of staff that she better be careful or there would be rumours flying around the home that she was a lesbian.

“Oh god, don’t say that” said the worker with a totally horrified look on her face.

The two of them then laughed hysterically for about ten minutes.

I could feel the anger build up inside me, do they not realise comments like this are actually just as bad as racist comments?

The whole reason people behave like this is simply ignorance.

They probably don’t know any gay people or lesbians, or they wouldn’t make stupid, childish comments about lesbians.

There are still so many people out there who think being gay or lesbian is wrong.

Being gay is not wrong, you don’t have to feel ashamed, you don’t have to feel guilty and you don’t have to feel embarrassed (is that how you spell that?).

I don’t like to rant on the blog because I wanted it to be all happy ‘n’ shit.

But when people are ignorant or keep ignoring you for the simple fact that you are gay then it’s not right.

I am still the same Sally, nothing changed except who I find attractive.

So I will keep coming out to the ignorant people, I will keep telling them I am a big gay lesbian just at very moment they say something stupid about lesbians or gays.

They are the ones who end up feeling awkward not me.

At then end of the day, god made me like this, so who am I to argue with him?

This is Sally, the Big Gay Lesbian with a Daughter, signing off… x