“Lesbians, Lies and Dirty Lovebites”

This week I would like to blog about glasgow lesbians, their dirty lies and filthy lovebites!

Ok hands up which of you lesbians have had a big dirty lovebite…shame on you!

I can picture Heather sitting in front of her pc holding up her hand cos she has a big dirty love bite courtesy of her gf Kelly!

Shame on you two!!!

So according to wikipedia a love bite is:

A love-bite is a temporary bruise or mark caused by kissing, sucking or biting the skin forcefully enough to burst blood vessels beneath the skin.

Love-bites typically last from four to twelve days and may be treated in the same way as other bruises.

The terms hickey (hicky, or hickie) or shagger is often applied to a love-bite on the neck area.

Love-bites can be a purple like color similar to other types of contusions, or a cluster of Red speckles.

According to Glasgow Lesbians a love bite is:

BLOODY MINGING!

How can you possibly think a big dirty love bite has anything to do with love!

I mean seriously, it is possibly the most unattractive thing on a girl, well maybe a big cold sore on her lips is also pretty unattractive too.

A love bite to me just shouts out “I’m a dirty skanky tramp!”

(No offence Heather, I know your love bite was just a bit of fun between you and your chick!)

I remember one time I had been seeing a girl Kirsty for a week or so, and I told her I was going out for a drink with another girl I had recently stopped seeing, Vicky.

Of course me going out with an ex went down well, not!

Kirsty didn’t want me to go, so I obviously didn’t go, yeah right, I went out anyway.

So the day after my night out, Kirsty phoned and asked if I had slept with Vicky…

As if I would do such a thing…

Ok, ok, so I did sleep with Vicky but I was drunk, and she practically forced me and there was a full moon too, so the odds were totally stacked up against me!

Now did I admit to my little mishap?

No way, like a good little lesbian, I decided that rather than owning up, I would lie through my teeth.

No for once I didn’t lie, see I can be honest!

Ok, I lied for a little while, but the guilt was too much so I “fessed” (confessed) up.

She was really quite angry, called me some names, you know what I mean the usual lesbian reaction when you cheat.

But my charm and wit shone through, and she agreed to come see me that night.

So that night Kirsty came round, and I was trying my best to be extra specially nice because of what I had done.

And surprisingly she was really forgiving, wow I couldn’t believe it!

It’s not often a lesbian forgives you for cheating, believe me I know.

But you see nice, little, sweet honest Kirsty was not so innocent…

In fact, she had a little guilty, dark secret of her own, I would later realise that it was not my wit and charm that got her to come round to my house to see me, the real reason was she had something to tell me…

Anyway, It was quite a warm night, and she had a zip up top on, right up past her neck to her chin, have you guessed yet?

Remember when I was talking about big dirty lovebites…

Well I said to her, it’s roasting, take your top off, she was really quite hesistant saying “But I only have a vest top on under this”.

So I said “Stop being daft it’s a warm night, take it off”.

Reluctantly she took it off.

She than sat like a contortionist with one side of her neck hidden from me.

Now I actually didn’t think anything of her sitting with one leg wrapped round her neck, kidding, I actually did notice and asked “Why are you sitting like that?”.

She immediately jumped up and said she needed the toilet, but as she stood up and turned to leave the room I saw it…

Yes, a big dirty purple love bite smack bang on the middle of her neck!

The same neck I was about to strangle with my bare hands!

I said to her “what the fuck is that on your neck”.

She didn’t even try to deny it, she said “it’s a love bite”.

So I replied “I know it’s a fucking love bite, who gave you it!”.

So she told me she had shagged some ex gf the night before, but the excuse is classic…

You see, Kirsty must have been a lesbian psychic, because apparently she knew I was going to sleep with Vicky so she went and slept with her ex.

What The Fuck !!!

Can you seriously use that as an excuse?

Ok, so technically I did sleep with Vicky, but what if I hadn’t!

I think her cheating was worse than my cheating, because hers was like pre-meditated cheating or something!

You lot will agree with me yes?

Her cheating was worse than mine and she damn well knew it!

If I hadn’t slept with Vicky, she would still have shagged her ex, so there!

It’s as plain as the nose on your face, my cheating is technically not as bad.

I feel like Ross and Rachel on Friends, you know how they always have the same argument about Ross cheating and they debate about whether or not they were on a break!

I guess it’s a little childish, but like Ross was on a break, my cheating was not as bad!

So anyway, after a shouting match, we had sex (with each other this time) and patched things up.

That’s just how lesbians fix relationship problems, have sex with each other and all is forgotten.

I didn’t really trust Kirsty after that (pot calling the kettle black I know I know) so the relationship was ultimately doomed, and didn’t last much longer after that.

So lesbians, if you must get a lovebite, get one off your girlfriend and not the lesbian you cheat with!

7 Quick Ways To Get Rid Of A Cold Sore (NOT)

If you do get an unsightly love bite, here are some tips I found on google for getting rid of them:

1. Toothpaste

2. Mixture of sperm and chocolate (ewwwww!)

3. Piles or Haemorrhoid Cream

4. Ice cubes

5. A cold spoon

6. A comb (????)

7. A plaster

Ok, seriously that’s the biggest lot of crap ever!

Nothing takes a lovebite away, except time.

The best cure for a lovebite, is don’t get one!

I don’t tend to get or give lovebites anymore, I honestly think they are vile, but if I must do it, breast is best, that way at least it can be hidden.

So if your gf ever cheats on you, and comes home with a big dirty lovebite on her neck, you know it wasn’t me she cheated with.

But if the lovebite is on her breasts, well then it might just have been me, kiddin of course.

I have heard about a “lovebite necklace” which is basically a ring of lovebites all the way around your neck, how classy is that!

I totally don’t ever want that as a present!

Well that’s another little look into my wonderful lesbian life, feel free to comment below and share some of your own lesbian life stories with me…

Stay Gay, Sally x

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