Hello Lesbians!

This week’s blog post is a little late, because my attention is elsewhere at the moment, but we wont go into that right now!

Although I share lots of my lesbian experiences with you, I do actually have to keep some stuff to myself.

Ok, so this week I am talking to you about buying a dildo / vibrator / sex toy, whatever you like to call it.

I was actually looking online last week for buying a dildo, which made me recall the first time I bought one which I will tell you about a little later on…

But last week I found the new Nexus G-Rider (Vibrating Female G-Spot Finder)

PHEW!

Trying saying that when your drunk!

It looks fab actually but it’s quite pricey, so if anyone buys one, let me know if it’s good, or buy me one and I will blog a review of the Nexus G-Rider (Vibrating Female G-Spot Finder).

So why was I online looking to buy a dildo, erm, cough cough, for Margo my dirty mate!

Anyway, I really do wish I had discovered that you can buy a dildo online about 5 years ago, because I actually had to get a severe brass neck, burning red cheeks and total feeling of humiliation when I bought mine in a shop in Bolton.

The shop which was aptly named “Softies” (I guess this refers to a limp man’s penis, ewwwwwwwww) was on a busy street in Bolton Town Centre, where my lovely (NOT) ex Emma lives.

Actually I think it’s time I stopped calling Emma a witch, bitch, cheating, lying, dirty skanky, horrible cow anymore!

Someone said to me the other week, I really can’t remember who, I think it was Elaine, that all this hate must mean I still care, so I am letting go of the hate to show I really don’t care about her anymore.

So, we are sitting in the car, and we are deciding who should brave it, and buy the dildo out the shop, it of course turns into an argument because we want the dildo, but neither wants to go in and buy it.

After about ten minutes, and Emma falling out with me, I have to go to the shop to buy it, her reasoning was that because I didn’t live in Bolton I wouldn’t know anyone in the shop, I kinda agree with that, so I head out the car and over to “Softies”.

I glance over at the car to see Emma in stitches, rolling about laughing at me, I am not amused though.

The street is quite empty, thankfully, that is until I hear a constant beep…

It’s the Green Man on the pedestrian crossing, about a hundred people run across the road just as I reach the Porn Shop.

I of course do an about-turn and walk away from the Porn Shop, I am not going in when everyone can see me doing it, strangers or not!

I walk back over to the car but Emma has locked the door and wont let me back in until I go get the Dildo, bloody women!

I quickly walk over to the shop and wrestle about with the door handle, it simply won’t budge, not only that but out the corner of my eye I see a nun walking up the street.

Seriously, a nun!

I am desperately trying to pull or push the door to the porn shop open whilst noticing out the corner of my eye that the nun is fast approaching.

Just as the nun reaches me I notice it’s not a nun but a girl with black hair and a white hairband, thank fuck for that!

It’s only then that I notice a big gigantic sign saying entrance at rear of shop, I guess in the panic I didn’t see the 3 foot writing on the door!

So I walk back up the hill and down an alley towards the back of the shops, I wonder how I will know which one is “Softies” but it’s obviously the black door with the 3 red XXX’s on it.

I push the door open and walk through some cheap and nasty red plastic strips, and I am in a very very dark shop, it’s actually kinda creepy.

A big man shouts to me “Can I help you love?”, I reply “No thanks I am just looking”.

I’m Just Looking I’m Not Buying…

God why did I reply that, just looking at what all the dildos, anal butt plugs, blow up dolls or gimp masks???

I am trying not to look anywhere if I am honest, not letting my eyes rest on any item too long for fear of anyone thinking I am trying to buy it.

Once I calm down a little, I realise I am the only one in the shop, my phone beeps, Emma has texted asking have I bought one yet…give me time!

I notice that the vibrators are behind the counter, oh great!

I walk over and ask the man behind the counter, who reminds me of the guy who sells the comics in the Comic Shop in Simpsons, how much the vibrators are.

I mean they don’t even have prices on them for god sake, talk about making buying one even harder.

He asks what type I want.

How the hell would I know, my phone beeps again, Emma is telling me to hurry up.

The guy proceeds to tell me the different types of vibrator as my face starts to burn and turn redder and redder thank god it’s dark in here.

He tells me there are plain ones, black ones, ribbed ones, veined ones for realistic effect etc etc.

He still doesn’t tell me the price of any though.

He then shows me some examples starting with a big 12 inch black one, then a funny shaped bent one, a doubled ended one and a glass one (wouldn’t that be like dangerous or something?).

I dont want a realistic one, just a plain one please.

Ok, now he asks what size, 6 inch or 10 inch, just gimme the 6 inch one please (did I actually say please!).

A plain, white, six inch dildo is all I want, I actually don’t even care about the price now, I just want to get out this creepy shop.

“Do you need batteries?”

Oh for fuck sake, just fling the bloody thing in a bag for me!!!

I am almost blinded by sunlight as the door swings open and a nice looking young couple come in, dear god get the dildo in a bag now!

They walk straight over to the counter and stand behind me, I am mortified now, they ask the guy if he sells poppers.

“Sure he says, just let me serve this girl first”.

Please, please, PLEASE don’t let them see me buying a vibrator!

“We have a special offer on vibrators today, you get a free gift of a finger sized vibrator, do you want one?”

He looks at me, the couple look at me, I look at the floor and nod my head.

The guy gets me the finger vibrator, puts it all in a bag and hands me it.

I throw some money at him, wait for the change and leave.

This was the worst experience of my life, I will never buy a vibrator out of a shop again.

I walk over to the car and when Emma sees my face she bursts out laughing again, and I laugh as well, I think its the sheer relief of being out of that shop and I now have a shiny new vibrator too!

That vibrator gave us lots of fun times actually, but the best time was the first time Emma used it as I was driving back to Glasgow.

I can still picture her sat in the passenger seat of my car, thong and combats at her ankles using the vibrator as I drove up the M6.

Yes! The brass neck was worth it just to see that.

Now remember ladies, such a sight can be very off-putting when you are driving so I do not suggest you try this out yourself!.

I would also like to mention that the free finger vibrator, was utter shit, and you would be better off buying an electric toothbrush because it seriously has more power!

The next time we decided to buy some toys, we shopped online, so much simplier and easier, I cant remember the site we used but all sites seem to be roughly the same.

You get your “stuff” delivered within around 24-48 hrs, and in plain packaging so there is no way anyone will know what you have bought.

I would suggest you pay by credit card, because getting a refund by cheque is not good, think about it, do you want to go into your bank to pay in a refund cheque from “Brutal Dildos”, I think not!

Before I go I will quickly tell you the story of when we had a strap-on, I bought it online and then took it down to Bolton with me one weekend as a surprise for Emma.

I whipped out the strap on…

We got to the Bed and Breakfast and I whipped out the strap-on, out my bag not my trousers!

Actually it was massive to be honest and I had ordered the smallest one they had too.

So we had a laugh and a giggle with it, but never really done anything serious with it, left it on the bed and headed into Bolton Town Centre for some shopping etc.

We got back to the room and I instantly thought, hey this room looks really clean!

The lady who owned the B and B had obviously tidied up when we had been out.

I immediately remember the king kong sized strap on, my eyes wandered over to the bed, where we had left it, it was gone.

Oh no, where is King Kong?

The lady had actually put it back in my hold-all, I swear to god she actually put it back in my bag!

Of course when it came to checking out of the room and paying, guess who had to do it, after 10 minutes of arguing etc etc.

Yes, stupid me again!

What’s even more stupid is that the lady slipped me her mobile number, ha ha nah she didn’t!

Would have been a good end to the story though eh!

All my life I grew up with my Mum telling me to put my toys away, I should have listened.

This is Sally, signing off x

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