“Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand”

Hello Lovely Lesbians,

Ok, so what exactly is a one night stand…

By definition, a one-night stand has no past, no future and a limited present.

So you basically have sex with a person, female in this case, and never see them again or intend to have any sort of relationship with them.

Sounds great eh!

Lots of Lesbian Sex with no strings woohoo!

Erm well, nah it’s not really.

I have had a few one night stands and all of them, except one, were kinda shit to be honest.

A one night stand is often referred to as “empty sex” and it’s exactly that in my opinion.

There is no loving sweet feeling afterward, no connection, no warm glow, there is simply an emptiness inside you.

Don’t get me wrong, some people may love one night stands, but after a few, I couldn’t be bothered with them and I would never have a one night stand again.

I can say never, because I have been in a drunken state, in bed with a girl many times and never ever slept with them.

A year or so ago I would have “done the deed” but not now, I think maybe I have finally grown up, faint!

So because I have had a few one night stands, I have a little survival guide for those of you lesbians who still want some no strings, empty sex!

First I will tell you…

“How to choose your ideal lesbian one night stand”

Ok, you should never have a lesbian one night stand with:

A friend

A friend of a friend

A workmate

An ex

An ex of your friend

Put it this way, you do not want to shag any lesbian who you will be forced to see time and time again, remember a one night stand is for one night only, then you never EVER want to see that lesbian again!

Never ever shag a barmaid at your local gay bar, or worst still one of the bouncers, if you regularly drink at their place of work then you will risk seeing them all the time, and if they take rejection badly then you could be “barred” from your favourite drinking hole, pardon the pun!

“Selecting Your Ideal Lesbian”

You MUST select that lucky lesbian very carefully, or expect to have the awkward bumping into them at almost every opportunity.

Remember, you may have been wearing several pairs of beer goggles on that eventful night and although you remember a “hottie” she is more likely a “nottie”.

Out of sight, out of mind is always the better option.

If you follow the famous saying “never shit on your own doorstep” when choosing your lesbian one night stand then you shall remain safe and free of any “dyke drama”.

Ideally you want a decent looking, single lesbian who is up for a bit of fun, she understands what she is letting herself in for, and is not looking for any more from you.

Ok, so you have chosen that lucky lesbian lady, and your ready to dive into bed, hold on hot stuff!

There are a few simple things you must know before you remove your underwear…

Rule 1 - Your Place Or Her’s?

ALWAYS HERS!

Never, ever, EVER take her back to your own place, you do not want a one night stand to know your home address.

If you are simply staying at a hotel that night then that’s ok, but never EVER take her back to your place.

If she knows where you live, and believe me some drunk girls have a photographic memory even if they can’t walk straight!

She can easily turn up on your doorstep the following day, week or month later.

Do you like surprises?

No?

Well don’t ever take a one night stand back to your place, always go back to her place.

If you cannot go back to her place, ditch her and find another suitable lesbian to have your wicked way with, there are plenty of desperate girls out there so you can afford to be picky.

I remember I once made the mistake of taking a girl back to my house and she was a nightmare to get rid of.

At least if you are at the girl’s house you can leave, but trying to get rid of a lesbian out of your own house is really hard.

It took two bacon sandwiches, a can of Irn-Bru and 3 episodes of the L Word before I could get that girl out my house, never again!!!

But hey, on the bright side, you can’t say I don’t treat my one night stands like a princess though eh!

Rule 2 - Who Pays The Taxi?

ALWAYS HER!

She should always pay for the taxi to her place.

After all she is getting to have sex with YOU!

She couldn’t possibly expect you to pay after you are being so kind as to shag her.

The other reason for letting your lesbian one night stand pay for the taxi is because you need to keep your own money for the get-away taxi after the lesbian sex remember!

So you don’t appear too mean or selfish you could offer to phone the taxi.

This is obviously so you know the address of where you are going to, again this allows you to make that quick get-away later.

A few quick points before you set off to her place:

Find out if she lives alone, you don’t want some husband to be waiting to watch you both have sex when you get there!

Or worst still, you don’t want to be forced to meet her parents before you both run upstairs to her bedroom for some random sex!

I would always say try to choose a girl who lives alone, it’s much easier that way.

Once you have established the girl lives alone, phone the taxi and remember her address.

After you phone the taxi put your phone on vibrate, set your alarm for early morning and then turn off your mobile phone, this may sound a little silly, but all shall be revealed later in this post!

Before you leave it is also a good idea to tell someone where you are going, but I am not going into all that, you are a big girl and I am sure you know the dangers of shagging strangers!

Rule 3 - Taking Off Your Clothes

Ok, so I know you are dying to get your kit off and dive right in between the girl, I mean the sheets!

But wait…

Once you enter the house I want you to notice how the door closes.

This will be VERY important for your get-away.

If the door just pulls shut that’s great, but if she locks it with a key, you need to watch where she puts that key after she locks the door!

Ok sex bomb, you can go to her bedroom now and have some fun…

Once you are in the love nest you cannot just randomly rip all your clothes off and throw them here, there and everywhere.

This will completely ruin your quick get-away later!

You have to place your clothes together, you do not want to be stumbling around in the dark later looking for your knickers or your left sock!

Worst still, if you fall asleep and don’t get away after the lesbian sex, you will have to walk around a stranger’s room naked looking for your clothes in broad daylight, not a pretty sight!

Now I am not saying you have to fold all your clothes like a clothes shop assistant!

Just throw them all in a pile together so you don’t need to hunt anything down.

This also prevents leaving anything behind which I will talk about a little later on, just trust me ok!

Rule 4 - Which Side Of The Bed?

Now I know that you will be throwing each other all over the bed, but you have to decide on a side of the bed to make your get-away easier.

After the sex you will carefully, without causing any suspicion, navigate to your chosen side of the bed.

The side of the bed you will choose is the side nearest the door.

This is particularly important if one side of the bed is up against a wall.

If one side is beside the wall make sure you choose the side not against the wall so you will not have to climb over your conquest to make great your escape.

Plus when climbing over your new lesbian lover, you do not want to get caught midway over her, and pulled down on top of her for round 2 of your random sex!

Choose the side near the door and all shall be well.

If you do get caught trying to sneak out of the bed, speak softly and quietly saying you are going to the toilet.

If you are lucky she may just fall back asleep then you can sneak your clothes into the toilet, get dressed and get the fuck out of there!

If she doesn’t fall asleep then your fucked ha ha, well no your not because I will explain a few get-away excuses later on to save your skin.

Rule 5 - Your Mobile Phone

Your mobile phone can be your best friend or your worst enemy when it comes to a one night stand.

Every lesbian has a mobile phone nowadays, god if you go to any local gay bars you will see them all sitting with their mobile phones texting or phoning constantly!

I am exactly the same as them, I love my mobile phone and would be totally lost without it.

Ok, so your mobile phone can be your best friend in a one night stand because of what I told you to do earlier, just after you have phoned the taxi to go to your sordid one night stand with the sexy lesbian!

You do remember what I said?

Don’t go scrolling back up now, you should remember!

I said after you phone the taxi you should:

Put your phone on vibrate.

Set your alarm for the morning.

Switch it off.

So you put it on vibrate so that the alarm you set doesn’t wake the sleeping lesbian beauty beside you in the morning.

You set the alarm for the morning because you obviously may fall asleep through being drunk or sheer tiredness from all the mad hot lesbian sex, but you still want to get away before she wakes up.

The reason you turn the phone OFF is in case she asks for your mobile number, you simply say you don’t know it off by heart, but if she gives you her number you promise to call, yeah right!

If you forget to turn off your phone then you are going to have to hand over your mobile number, but don’t worry we have another trick up our sleeves for this.

The excuse of I don’t know my number wont work.

Lesbians are getting very devious now!

She will simply tell you to dial her mobile and she can get your number that way.

Although you could of course try the “I have no credit” line which you may get away with, you could back this claim up by saying you used the last of your credit to call the taxi!

I have noticed that many lesbians are actually mobile phone experts, some of them will even know how to work your phone better than you do.

I remember once saying I didn’t know my mobile phone number, and I didn’t have any credit phew!

NO SUCH LUCK!

She said “it’s ok, I know how to get your number”…

Snatched my mobile phone off me, whizzed through the menus and found my number in there!

Tut, I was gutted to say the least!

To be safe, just turn the phone off and say your battery died, then simply get her number on a piece of paper, that you will of course accidently but conveniently lose later.

You could also simply give her the wrong number, but this can be a risky business, a girl will often check the number you have given her.

She may send you a text when your standing there, or ring the number you gave her,  so if you have to give her your number, do it when she cannot do any of the above or you will be caught out.

My mate Jo recently suggested changing the second last digit of your mobile phone number, so let’s say that it ends in 525 you tell her it ends in 515.

Then if you bump into her later and she accuses you of giving her a wrong number, you can ask “what number do you have for me? does it end in 525?”

She will of course say “no, 515″

And you say “ah right that’s what’s wrong then!”

She can then amend the last 3 digits to 525.

This really wont matter, because the rest of the number is wrong too anyway, close shave, just make sure you never bump into her again!

Thanks for that tip Jo Jo, I was a bit drunk when you told me that tip, but hopefully I remembered it right.

I was out with Nicky, Jo and Steph that night, Nicky and Steph told me a “tip” too but they were rubbish.

Nicky said to make the guy pay for the taxi, which doesn’t help lesbians on one night stands!

And Steph just muttered don’t go Polo, god knows what she meant by that!

Rule 6 - The Get-Away!

Ok, so you have had your wicked way with her, the empty sex has been had, it’s time to ditch this random and get out of there safely!

The top tip here is to be very very quiet.

You do not want to wake her.

If you are truly brave you can leave right after the sex, just say thanks and leave, this is a kinda “cruel to be kind” method which may result in her reacting very badly, you have been warned!

Mostly, you will have been so drunk / tired that you will fall asleep, this is where that vibrating mobile phone alarm will come in handy, it should wake you but not her.

Again you will be on the side of the bed nearest the door, so you don’t have to climb over sleeping beauty who has now, in the daylight changed into Quasimodo!

Your clothes will be in a neat-ish pile on the floor, if you have done this you can get dressed swiftly.

If you have just flung your clothes anywhere, you will be searching for knickers, socks, bank card, mobile, keys or any of your possessions!

Never throw your clothes off, you can lose things and need to return for them if they are important.

Getting away from a one night stand is like a prison break, you don’t want to go back for anything, make sure you get all your valuables!

Ok, so you should have your clothes on, your valuables and you should remember her address from when you phoned the taxi to her place the night before.

If you cannot remember the address, here is a top tip from Gillian that she told me a long time ago, look for a letter in the house, one that has been posted to them, then get the address from that, golden tip eh!

Now remember before you took your clothes off and went to her bedroom I asked you to remember how she locked the door?

Well I did tell you to remember!

If you were paying attention, you will remember I said:

Once you enter the house I want you to notice how the door closes, this will be important for your get-away, if the door just pulls shut that’s great, but if she locks it with a key, you need to watch where she puts that key after she locks the door!

If the door just pulled shut, go open it and get out of there now, you have safely survived a lesbian one night stand, well done!

If the door locked with a key, go get the key, open the door and get out of there now, you have safely survived a lesbian one night stand, well done!

Rule 7 - You Failed To Escape But All Is Not Lost!

If you did not pay attention…

You cannot not pass “GO”

You cannot not collect “£200″

You go get your dumb ass back to the bedroom, wake up Quasimodo and ask her to let you out!

If you can’t get out of the house, don’t despair, there are a few options you can try:

Tell her you have your period and need to go to the shops for tampax.  She may say she has some in the toilet, but just say you cant use that type etc etc.

Saying you are on your period serves two purposes here:

a) you can not have sex with her again

b) you need to leave the house to go buy some lady products!

You can always promise to return after you have been to the shops, of course we both know you wont!

If you do bump into this girl again, simply say you got lost trying to find her house again after you went the shops so you just went home.

Basically, you have to find any excuse under the sun to get out of that house.

You could text a friend and ask them to phone you asap, then after they have phoned you simply make up a story to Quasimodo which results in you having to leave immediately.

You could lie and say you have to go to work.

There are a millions lies or excuses you can tell her just so you can leave her house.

But if you followed my above rules and tips there should be no need for any awkwardness!

You should be able to slip in and out before she even notices you are gone!

I would just like to say that I have personally never used any of the above techniques lol.

Again this post was written in jest, and was not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings in anyway.

I am sure all you lesbian players know much better rules for escaping one night stands, so feel free to post them in the comments below.

This is Sally signing off x

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